The Axis of Stevil

STRAIGHT TO DVD! : Termites in a Log Cabin

FBI Agents George Cagney (Jude law) and Janet Philmore (Meg Ryan) were assigned a simple babysitting job and escort former Yakuza Kingpin Tony Cho (Ice T) to Washington, where he must testify before a grand jury. Cho's testimony is set to expose the extent of the Japanese mafias infiltration into the world's infrastructure. Little did they know that an innocent night stay over in a log cabin in the Ozarks would turn into a night of terror. Specially trained assassins have released hundreds of venomous African Termites into the cabin hoping to silence the witness forever. The high action movie "Termites in a Log Cabin" will send you on an emotional roll coaster as you bare witness to the sheer terror of the termites shredding through and eating pine, oak, and spruce. It is head and shoulders above this year's movie crop with disturbingly real CGI termites and the badass ethnic wisecracking of Jude Law. "Termites in a Log Cabin" will have the summer movie audience begging for a sequel with its climatic cliffhanger ending. The already in production conclusion, "Killer Bees in a Supermarket," is slated for a winter 2008 release.

MARVEL US: April Fools

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

LOW IMPACT TERRORISM

In recent weeks The Axis of Stevil has noticed an increase in the level of terrorist chatter. Several creditable threats in the form of magazine order cards have been intercepted that show a swelling of entry-level terrorist support. Be aware of low impact terrorist organizations that seek to draw upon the sympathies of evil and unmotivated men. The following press release was found in a raid of a terrorist compound outside of Jamestown, MA.
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DON'T BE A DUMMY

Traffic on the thoroughfares and byways surrounding major cities is often congested and subject to slow-downs. The one salvation to this chaos is the H.O.V. lanes. These high-occupancy lanes allow society to once again elevate families and sociable people above the single loners of the world. Well, if you are tired of being stuck behind the "newest shipments of summer savings", "wide right turns" or "I brake for Jesus", The Axis of Stevil suggests you get out into the fast lane, without fear, with Baby E.D.S. by your side
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MAN ON THE INSIDE

In a bold move, the young Estevez has purposefully blown his cover and openly talked to the media about the September 11th attacks. This honorable act of shining the first main stream light on the dirty, not so secret, shame that is destroying the American dream has left Estevez in a dangerous situation. Charlie Sheen has risked his career and safety for a cause that should not be overlooked. It is now up to the people to have the courage to face what is known as horror and scrutinize all it��s aspects; regardless of the consequences.
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LANGUAGE: frowzy

"frowzy" "frowzy" (FROU-zee) adjective, also frowsy, frouzy. 1. Unkempt, slovenly. 2. Having a musty odor. "Franklin University realized their mascot, The Franklin Frowzy, wasn't exactly crowd-friendly."

Ask Stevil: 3/24

Today's Question:
"How come twenty six year olds are so clingy, cant they just have sex and move on like all the other singles out there? ~Goober"
Dear Goober: First of all, why are you dating a kindergarten class? With twenty six year olds, one might grow tired of the constant chirp of their voices or non-stop pestering over GI JOE or Legos, if the constant barrage of trivial questions and statements pooring from their mouths doesnt kill you first. The fact of the matter remains that six year olds usually don't participate in sexual relations either, therefore they are incapable of "having sex and moving on like all the other singles out there." Usually relationships often stretch thin around a lack of communication and high expectations with sub par behavior. These problems can usually be exterminated by constant open communication. If you retain certain expectations about space, bedroom life, behavior, language, then grab a a chalkboard and let the diagrams do the talking. Explain and layout your expectations and intentions in the current relationship. By doing this, you provide your relationship partner , whether they be six or ninety-eight years old, with direct insight into what you are looking for and then can clearly understand what it is they can or will do in regarding them. If you need more space, tell them. Show them what you are looking for. This communication can often be tedious and uncomfortable, but in the end each person knows what the other is looking for and any consequences are understood and accepted by all

STINK NO LONGER

Do you suspect your friend or communal life partner is suffering from the debilitating symptoms of Peltmegaly? Commonly known as 'Long-Hairs' or 'Hippiedom', Peltmegaly affects 400,000 Americans every year. Increase your hypochondria and know the symptoms of Peltegaly: severe and often crippling litharge, dementia and a noxious miasma. Though rarely fatal, chromic sufferers have problems holding down jobs and interacting in normal society. The path to recovery for Peltmegalians is a long and often emotionally trying. The first step is to intervene. Most hippies don't know they are suffering, or how bad they smell. Many find it hard to communicate with people on "the wavy gravy" due to their nonsensical ramblings and oblivious stares. Do not let them suffer alone! Be like the Iron Woman, take matters into your own hands and clean up their act. First, wait patiently outside their dwelling or earth mound. When they appear, soak them with a garden or fire hose. Ignore their cries for mercy and soak them to the bone to wash away layers of grime and resin
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MARVEL US: Spring break

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

DY-NO-MITE!

Sifting through the hype and fluff of consumer explosives is a daunting task. Everyone has got something to sell you, from high power thermite charges to RDX infused armadillos. It's hard to be sure of what you really need. For a newbie to the land of pyrotechnics, The Axis of Stevil recommends Napoleon Brand Dynamite.
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CHARITABLE SUPERLATIVES

Everyday, people are exposed to a barrage of news. Violence, crime, energy shortages, and other disasters seem to happen every other day. The message is sometimes that you must give in order to care. Do not let your sympathies override your senses of judgment and curiosity. The gullible and the blindly compassionate will fork over their hard earned dollars and cents to the various name brand charities that dot our social landscapes. These organizations promise to put the money towards good causes and uses. What you should consider is this mob of charitable groups racketeer the world's crises and concerns. Their long financial arms and lack of oversight allow them to pick and choose which causes warrant the most attention. The Axis of Stevil, in it's continuing efforts to enlighten the people to the realm of choices, has released a brief survey of some of the lesser-known or appreciated chartable organizations that seek to change the world . . . .
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St/Evil: Fickle tastes...

St/Evil follows loosely the coming and goings of two astute yet seemingly inept young demons. Future strips will be posted here and will also be available within the Sunday newspaper in selected major markets

MARVEL US: Rejected Villian #54

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

SPEED OF GROUND: 3/6

LANGUAGE: gourmand

"gourmand" "gourmand" (goor-MAHND, GOOR-muhnd) n. 1. A gluttonous eater. "The gourmand behind Detective Lt. William Somerset reminded him of his encounter with a serial killer named John Doe."

PORKSTOCK

March kicks off one the greatest meat festivals of the year; far better than any bratwurst convention. Dutch and Belgium immigrants started the month-long "Tastes of Pork Festival" in 1912. It was originally designed to drive up the market price of pigs after the traditional post-Christmas decline in meat sales. Pig farmers often refer to January and February as 'the mill' or 'deadzone'. One out of every five pig farms fail during these months and most pig ranchers are hard-pressed to make enough money to cover their expenses. New years resolutions, debt, and oversaturated meat pallets are often blamed for the consumption decline every new year. The "Tastes of Pork" celebrates all the many delicious ways pigs can be prepared and processed. Supported by The Transamerica Pork Council and Consolidated Pork Holdings Ltd., the event has grown in popularity over the years. Do you consider yourself a 'porker' or 'pighead'? Well then this year, make a pilgrimage to Mecklenburg, Wisconsin; the official home of the "2006 Tastes of Pork Festival", located on the Mecklenburg County Fairgrounds.
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Featured Steve: STEVE T. PIZZAWHEEL

This illustrious company is founded on the principle that everyone can be successful and have a voice to speak their ideas, even people as plain as the name given to millions of people each year, Steve! Every so often, the Axis of Stevil takes pleasure in shining the proverbial spotlight on a Steve who shows excellence in their field.
Read more at The Axis of Stevil

SPEED OF GROUND: 2/27

Ask Stevil: 2/27

Today's Question:
"Why don't ginger kids have souls? -Algernon"
Dearest Algernon:: You should be commended for your knowledge of such folklore; however you have been slightly misled. You see, this anomaly is not in regard to ginger kids and their eternal spirit, but more toward ginger people and their shoes. As "souls" and "soles" are common homophones, this mistake is perfectly normal. There is an age-old suburban legend that The Axis of Stevil discovered that may very well answer your query more directly and may offer further explanation to this mistake. In 1893, there was a small German village where an elderly baker had dwelled. He had been a baker his entire life and was considered the best the entire country. People from far away villages and cities traveled in order to purchase this man's delectable delights. In fact, this very baker had invented the very first Gingerbread Man. Believe it or not, the Gingerbread Man that this baker had created was actually brought to life by his wife, who so happened to practice witchcraft. Quite the odd couple, wouldn't you agree? The Gingerbread Man gained the elderly baker even more fame and his business soared. Day and night he baked. When he wasn't baking, he was sleeping. His bakery remained packed full of people ready to acquire his masterpieces and to see the Gingerbread Man, live and in person -er cookie. The baker loved having an extremely successful business, but all of that hard work soon took its toll on the poor fellow. He complained that the bottoms of his feet ached constantly due to the amount of work he had accomplished within the past few weeks. His wife was not pleased. "Ever since you made that Gingerbread Man, your work load has tripled!" she exclaimed. "All of this excruciating labor is wearing you out. You toil day and night and I seldom see my dear old husband. This entire debacle is to blame on that Gingerbread Man!" That night, the baker's wife snuck into the Gingerbread Man's room and cast a spell upon him. "Since you were born Our job has been tougher. Now like my husband, Your kind shall suffer!" The curse that the witch cast upon the Gingerbread Man had taken the soles out of his shoes, causing his feet to ache terribly. The same horrible fate was placed on the Gingerbread Man's offspring, as well. And from that day forward, Ginger-kids never had soles.

SPEED OF GROUND: 2/24

COMPLETE YOUR BREAKFAST

Hey kids! Are you looking for a tasty snack that is not only part of a balanced breakfast, but is an entire breakfast?! Then you need to try 'Pro-Teens': The cereal designed for growing kids who need a full meal in a bowl. Every morning you and Porter, the portly pro-teen, can share a breakfast chock full of bacon bits, egg rounds, sausage links, and Canadian bacon. These meaty morsels are combined with Porter's special P shaped cornflakes that turn your milk into savory gravy!
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SPEED OF GROUND: 2/20

MARVEL US: I just saved a lot of money

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

Nature's Gatlin Gun

Aggressive time pilfering is the behavior of choice for one of nature's most loathed creatures, The Badger. Not the wise character or warrior TV would lead you to believe, Badgers are often moronic and underhanded. If you see a badger, drop whatever you are doing and get indoors! The only sure way of remaining safe is to be out of a badger's field of vision. A badger could appear at any time, thus you should always be prepared; readiness will give you an edge in any badger altercation.
Read more.

EVERYONE HAS A V-CARD

In observance of yet another consumer driven holiday designed to line the pockets of card companies, candy makers and fine dining establishments across this great country, The Axis of Stevil will be closed on Tuesday February 14th 2006. Due to this closing there will be no update on Wednesday February 15th 2006. To celebrate this day with us, please accept our V-card. Post it anywhere you want; on your third grade classroom bulletin board, your MySpace, your CampusBlender profile, or even your Facebook. Be the talk of the water cooler as you declare to the world that you have taken The Axis of Stevil's V-card! Much Love and Spiderman Valentines for all, The Axis of Stevil

PIG ON A DIG

The world adventurer, Thurston Zee Pig spent Saturday night comfortably resting at The Axis of Stevil's dome enclosed cornfield. The pig has had a very busy past week unraveling both the mysteries of the ages, and a modern day case of Espionage straight from the pages of Fleming and Rice. While resting, Thurston logged his most recent adventures that are soon to be produced into an IEC investigative news program.
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MARVEL US:You Move Me

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

Tax Break!

Tax season is once again upon us. Distinguishable by the annual reprinting of HASBEEN's Best Seller, "20,001 of Kwame's Favorite Accounting Tips and Secrets". If you are fiduciary challenged, consider what the jacket of the book has to say. "20,001 of Kwame's Favorite Accounting Tips and Secrets" is a powerhouse of money saving ideas, loopholes, and incentives guaranteed to make your day more rewarding.
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MARVEL US: ESPU..

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMICALS

With $4.95 and a will to conquer, you can get your hands on enough scaroel to control five people. What is scaroel? It's an extract from the Clary sage (Salvia) that has been used as a mind control agent in cigarettes and perfumes for the past 50 years. It is made from the process of mixing large quantities of the sage with hexidine. A 1gram mass of concentrated scaroel, when ingested, inhaled or even looked at under the right lighting, is thought to lessen a subject's ability to think independently; thus dulling any desires to question ideas presented to them. In larger doses (5-15grams) the compound can completely dumb a subject to a 'Zombie-like' state. . .
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Featured Steve: STEVEN SEGAL

LANGUAGE: resistentialism

"resistentialism" "resistentialism" rezis-'ten-che-li-zem n. 1. The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us. "The body of resistentialism activist, James Finley, was found murdered, next to a box of q-tips, in his apartment this morning."

LIFE: THE TEXTBOOK

POWER STRUGGLE

A large blow was delivered to the embattled administration of city commissioners, Chance 'T-Bone' Furlong and Jake 'Razor' Clawson. Astonishing new evidence recently surfaced, that implicated the two vigilantes in a violent coup de ta, that went unnoticed for ten years. In 1996 Megakat City experienced its worst terrorist attack ever. Mad Cat, attacking from a clocked warship, demolished City Hall with a calculated missile attack. The blast killed the city's most illustrious leader, the 14 term political dynamo, Robert 'Bob' Manx. In the ensuing chaos, the city briefly became under the martial law of Commander Feral. The public outcry over Feral's grab for power lead to the announcements of special public elections. It was rumored that amongst the hundreds of applicants, Former Deputy Mayor, Callie Briggs filed the paperwork to put the rebel SWAT Kat team, T-bone and Razor, on the ballot. Having long been in the spotlight for their vigilantism, the SWAT Kats were the heroes of the community and swept the hasty election. With a surprising 84% of the vote, T-bone and Razor declared a mandate from the people and made several extensive changes to the internal workings of the city government, sacking both Commander Feral and Councilman Stevens; long time opponents of the vigilante group. What followed seemed like nine years of peace for Megakat City. Once a victim to numerous terrorists attacks, things faired differently under the leadership of the Swat Kats as all attacks stopped. It was said that all evil was banished through a magical watch, and there was nothing left to fear. Life continued and the city flourished in its newfound peace. Thanks to recent innovations and availability in satellite imagery, amateur historian, Shawn Stevank was able to begin research and documentation of all the famous battles fought in the Megakat skies. They were to be cataloged in a large, two-volume, leather bound coffee table book. He was startled when he discovered an ominous image of the Turbo Kat releasing a cat-a-hawk missile into city hall. Though there have been many different explanations for the photograph, all theories offered by city officials, had been refuted. Recent polls say half the city has little to no trust remaining in the SWAT Kats' administration. The city council has been called into special session to discuss the situation. In light of recent events, The Axis of Stevil has been asked to stop production on its two volume, leather bound, coffee table book, "Arial Combat: Megakat City 1987-1997".
Read more.

Ask Stevil: 1/30

Today's Question:
"Why is the name Robert Paulsen so familiar? A Non Emuss"
Dear Mr. Not as Clever as He'd like Everyone to Think He Is:

If you happen to be talking about legendary voice actor Robert Paulsen, then yes! Robert Paulsen's name just happens to be Robert Paulsen. Born on March 11th, 1956 in Detroit, Michigan, Robert Paulsen was immediately deemed a child prodigy when his parents discovered that their little bundle of joy had the amazing ability to manipulate his voice. However, they assumed that the outside world would not accept Robert because of his differences. His parents kept him in their basement for over two decades. Despite this, they attempted to give him a normal life. He was well-taken care of and was home schooled by his mother. Once he hit puberty, his voice(s) changed dramatically. Although this is to be expected in every adolescent, his mother was bewildered by these sudden vocal transformations. His parents decided to set him free, into the real world. With little guidance in the outside world, Robert Paulsen befriended animals, such as mice, turtles, and bears. He noticed that different animals in the same species each possessed different personality traits; much like humans. He studied which voice each animal positively responded to and communicated with them accordingly. Two unknown hikers found Robert Paulsen in a wooded area 40 miles outside of Detroit. They took him in and immediately discovered his talent. Luckily, one of the hikers was a friend of a cartoonist, who just so happened to be hiring voice talent. This was Robert's big break. At the age of 25, Robert began a prestigious voice acting career when he used his talents for The Smurfs. He is also well known for voicing Snow Job (G.I. Joe), Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Yakko Warner, and Pinky (Animaniacs). His lengthy credentials can be found here. This remarkable man, who was born with a talent like no other, who was raised in the basement of a middle-class family's home, who was sent to fend for himself in the wilderness when he was only 13 years-old, and who used the same ability, that caused his parents to shun him, to create a name for himself in the hearts of those who love animated television. Who is this man? His name is Robert Paulsen

MARVEL US: Eat Fresh..

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

B Roll : REINVENTING THE WHEEL

Click to download.

LANGUAGE: sheol

"sheol" she-ol n. 1. The abode of the dead in the Bible "Shavo sells sea shells in sheol"

HATE TO SAY "TOLD YOU SO"

Dear Friends @ Axis of Stevil, After more closely examining this wonderful picture, I was a little dissapointed to discover that I was never invited to the "Annual Boy Band Look-A-Like Party." I'd also like to know if the photographer has settled his lawsuit with the gentleman in the upper right corner for capturing his soul while taking this photo. Thanks, Bustin Limbersnake

St/Evil: Halcyon bubble days

THE JOYS OF LIFE

A common misconception of the universe is that Fraggles and Doozers live in a harmonious balance under the surface of the earth. This is not the case. In fact it is another example of reality distorted by television. Using refined radishes, the Doozers spend their days constructing large pieces of scaffolding that taste and smell of a sweet candy to Fraggle nostrils. Have you ever wondered why they build so much, just to have it destroyed? It is not their desire to construct, but to live. It is a sad fact that when there are no Doozer buildings to be eaten, Fraggles will turn their appetites on Doozers themselves!
Read more.

MARVEL US: Your a good man...

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

RUG'BURNZ

The Axis of Stevil, acting in the public's best interest, has committed itself to expose the darkest holes and seediest dens of this world's lesser known underside. When confronting a mission of this magnitude, always remember your core values and multi-task! With this in mind, The Axis of Stevil teamed up with leaders of the entertainment community and has begun production on a series of public service announcements, movies and video games that show the harsh, gritty reality of crime and violence, that comes from your childhood streets, in a disenfranchised future by breaking the code of meaning found in many television classic. These stirring classics will also provide a much-needed boost for the struggling entertainment industries, whose once-keen instincts were destroyed when a large part of the population embraced a retard named Napoleon Dynamite.
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STRAIGHT TO DVD! : BLAXTOR STOCKMAN!

B Roll : QUANTUM GARAGE DOOR

Click to download.

B Roll : LIVING CONFORMITY

Click to download.

NOT ANOTHER A GNOME MOVIE!

It was a wildly sorted affair in the village of Wickerbriar. David the Gnome a respected doctor and community leader was exposed as fathering an illegitimate child with the young Lisa Curvet, a 175-year-old gnome. At one point farmer Kurvalt, Lisa$apos;s troll stepfather, had threatened to eat David should he ever get near his daughter. With nothing else to do, David fled town one summer's January night. Accompanied by his oldest friend, Swift, the pair set out to seek their fortunes and find their future in the wild world. So begins the many misadventures of a gnome:

STRAIGHT TO DVD!

TRAGEDY STRIKES

Featured Steve: STEVE SMITH

LANGUAGE: ameliorate

"ameliorate" a-mel-io-rate v.
1. To make or become better; improve.
"Amelia Bedelia almeliorates memorabellia."

NOT AS GOOD AS 'THE ORIGINAL'

It started as an anonymous tip called in from the Wacky Land and House of Pancakes. The tip led authorities to the Hillcrest Trailer Park, home of Shirley the Loon. Hearing shouts, the police entered the home to find Ms. Loon and her boyfriend, Gogo Dodo, injecting large amounts of KLOVAAH!-XIN, a Rheumatic arthritis drug that works as a steroid in toons. The couple had made news recently as stars of the 371st Laugh Olympics, the annual trialthlon between Acme Looniversity and Perfecto Prep. Both Gogo and Shirley had set records in the 10m Head Toss and Anvil Lift, These results have been heavily contested by Perfecto Prep since the discovery of steroid use. Under interrogation, case investigator, Jerald Hastins, discovered the athletes were nothing but mules in the international drug cartel of Montana Max. Hastins struck a plea bargain to have their charges dropped and protection provided in exchange for information against Montana Max. Gogo's publicized testimony before the Special Committee on Cartoon Violence enthralled television audiences with a chilling tale of the inner workings and violence of Montana's crime syndicate. Prostitution, drugs, and Blue slavery, Max dabbled in everything illegal; furthering his goal of world domination. Uncovered, Max barricaded himself inside his compound and held the FBI at a standoff for 11 days. Acting under special orders, the compound was raided by FBI agents and National Guard troops at sunrise of the twelth day. Authorities, expecting to find a fight, were shocked to discover the bodies of Max and Mistress Elmira dead from an apparent lover's suicide pact. Acme Looniversity won the 371st Laugh Olympics by a score of 32 to 17.

Ask Stevil: 1/9

Today's Question:
"Why is Cheerwine made only in North and South Carolina? Your #1 fan"
Dear main air-conditioning unit,

The answer to this inquiry is located deep within the Axis of Stevil History Texts. Hold the flaming stick and watch your step. The answer takes us all the way back to the year 1917, smack-dab in the middle of World War I. Europe, as a whole, was taking quite a beating during this period. The price of food skyrocketed and rations were entirely too small to sustain our over-seas citizens. Due to the lack of food, these people suffered chemical imbalances within their brains, which were proven to be early detections of bipolar disorder (or Xanga Fuel, as it is referred to in modern terms). The United States had declared war against Germany earlier in the year, so Europe looked to us for aid with their indigent, famished individuals. The United States gladly took these people into refuge and stationed them into asylums located in North and South Carolina. However, the nurses and doctors noticed that these people, having suffered malnourishment, produced abnormal brain activity. They quickly developed a treatment called "Cheer-Whine" to represent both stages of bipolar disorder. Not only did "Cheer-Whine" alleviate the irregular brain ailments, it was quite tasty to boot. Once the Europeans were returned safely, the developers of this delicious drug decided to capitalize their creation. With a quick name change, the modern-day Cheerwine was unveiled.

A word from our sponsors

MARVEL US: Rejected

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

UNILATERAL BIPARTISAN NON-DENOMINATIONAL GREETINGS!

Once again, the holiday season is upon us. The Axis of Stevil, as a supporter of the open work place, celebrates and recognizes the following acknowledged winter holidays:

Festivus
Chanukah
Kwanza
St. Stevalon's Day (patron saint of Harvest)
Banquete de cabras
Eind van leeftijden
Thurston Ze Pigs Birthday
Christmas
Boxing Day
Bob Keeshan
New Years
Resolution Day (the black Friday of the gym world)
January Cleaning
Cheese Fries Festival.

Full House: Wrath of Tanner

A superior hand is the true mark of the warrior. Trump your magical opponents with a card pulled from the "Full House: Wrath of Tanner" Magic Expansion pack! Decimate any adversary with the might of this Miller-Boyett production! Sparked by the memory of his dead-ass-wife, Danny Tanner toyed with the powers of the ethereal range. Hoping to use the black arts to revive his soul mate, he summoned the dark Lord Burgerler one memorable September night. A diabolical genius, Lord Burgerler had tricked Tanner into casting the spell by possessing the body of DJ's boyfriend, Steve. Since a Steve had offered advice, Danny Tanner ignored the obvious warning label on the spell written within a large, thickly bound onyx incantation book.
Appearing in a ball of green fire, Lord Burgerler rewarded the Tanner family for his freedom by imprisoning them forever within Magic playing cards, a grim reminder to tread lightly with Magic: The Gathering.
If you understand and accept the risks of Magic, you can now take up arms wielding the might of a Full House. The "Full House: Wrath of Tanner" Expansion pack contains 100% authentic recreations of the 'tanner cards' taken from high-rez scans of the actual cards housed in the Stevilarium. Pick up your pack today and laugh as you destroy, even the savviest, with 'The Gibbler'!

SPEED OF GROUND: 12/16

Ask Stevil: 12/16

Today's Question:
"Why is three company? -----"
Dear Layzee McNoname,

This is an excellent question, Layzee. It just so happens that December 15th is the day of birth of the revolutionary Jonathan Trees. Never heard of him? Well, sit down, chil'rens and take a journey through the life of a young entrepreneur. Jonathan Trees was born on December 15th, 1693. He was the first recorded puritan to have a lisp. Normally, people with lisps were burned at the stake (they were thought to be witches), but Jonathan was no ordinary warlock-er, man. Nor was his lisp; he could speak perfect puritan English, except he added an 'h' after every 't' that he spoke. So, we come to the conclusion that he pronounced his name, "Jonathan Threes." At the ripe old age of 11, his father, Jacob Trees, passed away from "thuberculosis". It was customary for a son to follow in his father's occupational footsteps, so Jonathan became a lumberjack, just like his old man. His exceptional lumber-jacking skills are what saved him from being accused as a warlock. Knowing this, he decided to expand his business. He hired his close friends, Matthew Wood and Mark Bark. These three pre-pubescent lumberjacks established the "Trees' Company". Not only were these boys the virtual cookie-cutter for all lumberjack enterprises, but they also coined the phrase "Threes' Company," thanks to Jonathan's legendary lisp.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, INDEED!

The holiday season is a time for friends, family and outrageous materialism. There is no finer example of this than a recent Darker Brothers print ad, circulating in the back of comic books, magazines and scouting journals, enticing readers to promote materialism and guerilla advertising with free prizes and meats. The ad, complete with misleading text and promotions, is very good at achieving its desired effect; CONFUSION! Don't be fooled, free prizes are only earned by sending thousands of pieces of illegal spam. It is estimated that Darker Brothers accounts for nearly 1/8 of all the spam sent on the web today. Keep your cool and try to remain objective and logical in this modern market place. Watch where your money goes and support those who deserve it

FOWL LIES

The sight of a dog wearing headphones, or a sea turtle selling fast food is not unheard of thanks to the constant barrage of anthromorphic TV. Over the past fifty years, television viewers have been desensitized to seeing animals acting as humans. This fact was made painfully apparent when it was reveled before a live television audience that President George W. Boosh was, in fact, a chicken; a giant chicken! Read more!

MARVEL US: Merry Christmas!

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

THE TOOTH IS LOOSE

To celebrate the 4th Annual Beaville Downtown Festival, a statue of a silver beaver will be unveiled at Flanagan Park. The section of Flanagan Park from 3rd street to the river is being renamed to "The Shrine of the Silver Beaver" in remembrance to one of Beaville's most tremendous residents. During a heated murder trial, Silver "Sam" Beaver was found not guilty for the murder of Judith Heart. Subsequent appeals, court decisions, and amici curiae briefs have made it virtually impossible to convict a beaver for murder. Beaville, with a community beaver population close to 47%, has dedicated this year's Downtown Festival to Silver Sam Beaver, and many other esteemed beavers. The Beaver statue is part of Beaville's continuing mission to improve and revitalize Downtown Park. Born under a full moon, Silver Beaver was the second of the three mineral beaver offspring. Mirya Mineral Beaver and Smithy Mineral Beaver named their beaver offspring after the Olympic medals when Gold 'Greta' Beaver was born at the Naganoe Winter Olympics during the opening ceremony. Mirya who was there skiing for Ecuador, caused a major roadblock in the parade line with her contractions. Though she never got to ski, Mirya is the only Ecuadorian to ever come home with gold from the Winter Olympics! The Minerals continued the naming convention with their next two children Silver 'Sam' Beaver and Bronze 'Barnaby' Beaver . . .
Read more!

Ask Stevil

Today's Question:
"Do the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any purpose? Peter, Dallas"
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answers!

LANGUAGE

"anthropomorphize" an-thro-po-mor-phize v.
1. To ascribe human characteristics to.
"When recalling events in court, the defendant anthromorphized a conventional soda dispenser and accused it of being rude and distasteful."

A DECLARATION OF WAR

There are two worlds, one of virtue and truth where rights to property exist, children can be free, to enjoy well-balanced breakfasts and have matching day of the week socks; and one of blackness and despair where heartless men rule and people walk around uncolor-coordinated. Bound by a tendency of malice, they forever oppose all that is free and true. One world can stay, one must go! There comes a time when a people must stand for what they believe in! That time has come; we have declared war with the sock goblins!

Consider for a moment that the enemy, R. Murdock, is the acting Demi-God of Evil, high commander, and spiritual leader to the world's population of warlocks, goblins and newscorp. Then consider, he has trained the evil villains of this world to cause harm, malice and disruptions to consumer goods whenever possible. Sock Goblins, the most well known of Murdock's Empire, have assaulted good people everywhere for the last 120 years.

Appearing in 1885, it is believed the Sock Goblin was released into northwest Manitoba to quell the Stevil uprising by lowering morale. The creature finds sustenance from devouring other socks, feeding on its life force. Leaving sock owners cold-ankled and miserable. Sock Goblins are clever creatures; they hide in plain sight, disguised like a demonic chameleon. A "wolf in sock clothing", they strike where a sock is most vulnerable; in the dryer. The Murdock Empire employs these terrors to keep a population in a state of constant consumption, buying new socks, fueling the machines of war, growing the empire; bigger, stronger, more prepared to strike!

In a world of virtue, respect is given to the most sanctimonious times of a sock's life; the warm period of rest when the dryer has just finished. Garments do not live in fear, in a land governed by free men. When socks match, people have a higher potential to do amazing things. In the land of matching socks there are white picket fences and strong gin; beings living happy and free from the bounds of constantly having to restock their consumer goods. Never worried of reaching a drawer with one navy blue sock and one black sock, we brave men and women must defend all that humanity means to be, and crush the sock menace!

It has come to it; the world of darkness must be destroyed. Should you see a Sock Goblin, don't hesitate, you know what to do! Sock Goblins could swallow any garment you love in a second!

Sock Goblin Sightings

^{Sock Goblin photo taken just two days before assassination of Fruit of the Loom member Grapes.}
^{Sock Goblins can be seen loitering outside of clothing stores.}
^{Another drawer falls victim to terror attacks.}

SPEED OF GROUND

MARVEL US

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

PSA No. 1337

St/Evil: CUT TO

REMEMBER TODAY, TOMORROW!

Our on-demand, technology-driven world has yielded much advancement in the personal record keeping field. For example, the AIM log gives hard copy records of every conversation that ever transpires online. This has become a great tool for sealing harassment charges, and writing provocative revenge letters. Now, a feature in almost every messaging client, the world has begun to rely on their logs so much that demand has lead to a great new innovation: The ID-10m Personal Digital Stenographer by Kuno Robotics.

Ask Stevil

Today's Question:

Check out The Axis of Stevil for more answers!

SPEED OF GROUND

"Enjoy your Thanksgiving... before it is gone forever."

Featured Steve: STEVE BOWIE - King of Texas

Bi.A.H.s CONVENTION 2005

Attendance was poor at this past weekend's BiAHs Convention 2005. Blame for the failure was placed on the following email that, according to sources close with the union, "says too much". The email was circulated to over 40,000 homebound people. Sadly, due to the author's name it was filtered as spam on almost every junk mail program.

STEVEMOLIANS: LOOMING ON THE HORIZON

this very moment monkeys are working diligently to man the mold setters at the first Mint of Stevil. They are producing a coin that is good for both fun and prizes! The Stevemolian is the first minting ever released by a major name. The silver, quarter-sized token is exchanged for promotion of Steves in any venue!

The Stevemolian initiative is a long overdue reward for simple things.
Before:	If you were inadvertently prompted for directions, and aid a lost Steve, you would receive nothing for efforts!	After	If you were to help a fallen Steve back to his feet, receive good karma and tokens*!

Stevemolian tokens can be earned for doing any number of simple things to aid and support Steves. Telling a friend about Stevilzation, sharing smiles with a Steve, or chatting with a Steve would earn you one token. Referring a satellite Steve to your local Stevlization Center earns you three tokens.

The reward sheet is still in committee and is restricted to Steves with Level M Security Clearance. Stay tuned for details, as they are made available. * - Tokens are better than pogs.

BELOVED FISH TYCOON DIES

Arthur T Watercrest, the greatest known trout investor, has died. The industry baron was found fried, filleted and covered in mayonnaise in a South Littleton Red Lobster. Had wait staff not noticed the deep fried remains of his monocle, the plutocrat fish surely would have been eaten. What is left of the body has been returned to the Watercrest Estate. A crowd of 2000+ guests is expected to be in attendance at tonight's memorial service of the world's greatest fish. . .

Ask Stevil

Today's Question: "How do Mexican Jumping Beans jump? Thanks. A Friend "
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answer!

YOU BOOB

The comings and goings of another person's life used to be a mystery. With video proliferation and the Internet, the ability to plug the world into your reality is now at your fingertips. Whether it's grandma in the dunk tank at the county fair, or your impromptu karaoke jam session, all the world is a stage. Thanks to "You Boob!", now you can exhibit private moments of buffoonery to almost anyone. Production values, scripts and forethoughts are a thing of the past. Our reclusive and voyeuristic tendencies have created a sub culture of people who find excitement in off-the-cuff hilarity of this new "reality" television.
Flash promo.

COMMERCIAL

Promo video shot for The Axis of Stevil.