Has segregation always occurred among Super Market fruit?

Originally published Friday June, 16th 2006

Has segregation always occurred among Super Market fruit?

~????

Dear Missing Moniker,

Much like the animal world, plants also develop communication patterns. However, this form of communication is not physical, like ours. It is considered to be telepathic. The Axis of Stevil has sound-wave footage of fruits chatting in a local Gritty Kitty Super Market. These sounds cannot be heard by the human ear, so the footage was slowed down, using the latest Microsoft Windows Sound Recorder technology. Our expert group of translators was able to decipher what each group of produce was discussing. It seemed that every assembly thought exactly alike. They all believed in, what they call, “The Divine Hands.” Their religion and social structure was based on these polytheist beliefs. Each item of produce does not sense the other fruit items since their telepathic waves cannot pass through wood, ice, or Astroturf. Each item dreams of becoming a “Chosen”, or an item that is picked, examined, and eventually placed into the “Cart of Consecration,” to finally be taken to their “Divine Hands’” throne and be sacrificed as nourishment to the being that has these Hands, so that they may, one day, create another set of Hands.

The plants that we, and other animals, digest realize their purpose in their existence. If they did not exist, nor would we, and vice versa. Therefore, there is no segregation in the world of produce. We just put the similar ones together because it makes things a hell of a lot easier. Hands down.

AskStevilJune16a

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is one member of the band Katharsis considered a Katharsi?

-Clueless Groupie

Dear Alicia Silverstone fan,

No. They’re considered to be Ean Hirst, Garret Bissonnette, Patrick Spohr, Cory Granger, and Eric Pryburn

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is Stephen an acceptable name for the Axis of Stevil, or does it have to be Steven? I mean it sounds the same.

-Stephen Colbert

Dear Friend,

You’ve obviously misunderstood the whole reasoning behind The Axis of Stevil. We do not discriminate against any Steve, or in your case, Stephe. In fact, our archives show that on June 22nd, 2005 (nearly one year ago) we featured Stephen Colbert on our website. Be sure to click the link. It’s an excellent read!

The fact of the matter is that there is a Steve in all of us. He’s that awkward sense of humor in the back of your mind where you think something but don’t actually say it out loud. He’s that sense of duty you feel towards your community. He’s that feeling of wanting to make a difference by showing what you have to offer and sharing with others what they have to offer as well. And most of all, he’s what makes you, you.

AskStevilJune16d

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

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