Nature's Gatlin Gun

Originally published Friday February, 17th 2006

badger

Aggressive time pilfering is the behavior of choice for one of nature’s most loathed creatures, The Badger. Not the wise character or warrior TV would lead you to believe, Badgers are often moronic and underhanded. If you see a badger, drop whatever you are doing and get indoors! The only sure way of remaining safe is to be out of a badger’s field of vision. A badger could appear at any time, thus you should always be prepared; readiness will give you an edge in any badger altercation.

The Axis of Stevil’s Department of Social Ineptitude (AOSDSI) has released several studies on Wilmont the Badger. An abnormally fierce badger, Wilmont, like all badgers, sought to bleed time from its victims by leaching seconds of life with flurries of inane chatter. Amounting to a rehashing of the day’s sporting events and bizarre sexual flights of fancy. Despite all attempt to ignore a badger, they will continue to bombard your eardrums by raving with talk of bad pop music, celebrity gossip and “funny” Pepsi commercial references. Caught off guard how could you not listen? The Badger gains energy by stealing it from you. Every moment spent listening to the badger’s non sequitur vocalizations is converted to Badger energy, thus prolonging his life.

Because males have a tendency to return aggressions, badgers will aim their offensives on weak, unsuspecting women. Typically, these women are somehow* taken in by a vapid poorly groomed miscreant. In one study, Wilmont was released into a bar located two counties over from the AOSDSI headquarters. The chaos of that evening is still regarded as the defining moment in the field of badgeredom.

Many people are still confused as what to do in a badger attack .The Axis of Stevil has setup a national question and answer line to help you better understand the badger menace. A frank discussion with one of our representatives should clear up any misconceptions one might have, it might even save your life!

Excerpts taken from ACTUAL badger calls:

Q: What does a badger look like?

A: Badgers are a hairy creature, distinguishable by their oddly shape tuffs of facial hair. They have a mane that resembles a successful encounter with a flow bee or a homemade, ‘last ditch effort’ mullet. Badgers try to camouflage themselves in public places by acting “cool”. Since the badger is not human, it has no comprehension of the abstracts involved with social interaction. Because of this, badgers are often seen wearing overstuffed jackets and polarized sports goggles.

Q: Help, I see a badger! What do I do?

A: Relax; badger attacks can be a scary experience. If you remain calm, you may make it through this situation unscathed.

Q: How do I defend myself?

A: Badgers will come at you fast. If you hesitate in a response, you will be left vulnerable. As his words speed towards you, pat the badger firmly on the tummy and say “adda boy”. This unexpected gesture, will shock the creature into a docile state and provide you with time to escape the situation.

Q: A tummy pat?

A: Yes, a tummy pat is known as “the universal diffuser”. A solid pat to the stomach cavity has been scientifically proven to tranquillize thought. The concussive force of a vibrating gut slows the amino acid production and numbs reaction times. This, in turn, shuts a pie hole for fractions of a second, long enough to get out of sight, and out of mind.

Q: What do I do if the tummy pat maneuver fails, or he follows through looking for a high five?

A: If a badger responds with a high five, resist all basic urges and leave him hanging. Immediately kick him in the groin region and run away, very fast. If you have some sort of musky cologne, spray it in the wrong direction to throw him off your trail.

Q: Why should I be concerned? I can spare 10 minutes.

A: Badgers can steal upwards of five years worth of time, when given free reign. Add to this equation, their perverse breeding desires and you have a problem. If left unchecked, badger levels could lead to a epidemic of timer burglary. The population would be drained of every sympathetic ear within six years.

Q: Can’t we just kill them?

A: No. Badgercide is considered uncouth and lowbrow.

Q: Why god? Why?!!!

A: Badgers are just another example of the cruel fate of existence: you must put up with douche bags.

* Fun fact: women are a mystery

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