Better Living Through Chemicals

Originally published Wednesday February, 8th 2006


With $4.95 and a will to conquer, you can get your hands on enough scaroel to control five people. What is scaroel? It’s an extract from the Clary sage (Salvia) that has been used as a mind control agent in cigarettes and perfumes for the past 50 years. It is made from the process of mixing large quantities of the sage with hexidine. A 1gram mass of concentrated scaroel, when ingested, inhaled or even looked at under the right lighting, is thought to lessen a subject’s ability to think independently; thus dulling any desires to question ideas presented to them. In larger doses (5-15grams) the compound can completely dumb a subject to a ‘Zombie-like’ state.

Though first patented as an additive to cigarettes in the 60s, scaroel has been around since the days of Queen Elizabeth I. In fact, Sir Walter Raleigh brought it to the queen on his return from the new world. He presented her a thatched bushel of salvia and claimed that the kingdom shall never again fear being destroyed.

Raleigh had been surveying the Spanish colonies of Cortez, looking for gold reserves not yet plundered. In his exploration he heard rumors of shamans inducing fantastic flights of the soul to young men on spiritual quests. Intrigued by the stories, he abandoned his quest for gold and headed south. Raleigh’s mind was set on seeking all the knowledge he could find about this apparent magic.

Within the wilds of Peru, he came upon the tiny village of De Sharma. He had been told the village elder had the ability to induce the spirit flight. He waited, in secret, outside the elder’s hut, poised to see the ritual preformed. It so happened that evening the medicine man took in a young man, Sigale Stevans, who was seeking the answers to the universe.

Raleigh peered through the cracks of the hut’s exterior thatching, with hopes to discover the secret to the spiritual awakening. He watched as Stevans inhaled smoke from a burning urn, his body relaxed and he collapsed onto the floor. To Raleigh’s surprise the elder started to talk to the seemingly unconscious man. The Shaman instructed Stevans to always respect and honor the country and to never question his leaders. The young man regained consciousness in a short span of time; no more then three minutes. When he was once again standing, the Elder asked what he had learned. Stevans, filled with vigor, parroted the obedient statements recited to him just moments before.

It became clear to Raleigh that the contents of the burning urn had the power to control minds. When the old shaman was alone, he stormed the hut and beat the man until he revealed the secret of the brainwashing. The old man confessed that the urn was filled with the burning leaves of a purple plant found high in the foothills.

Raleigh retuned to England with the plant and showed the court of Elizabeth how easy it was to manipulate the thoughts and actions of people. Demonstrating the herbs power on a young Stratford-upon-Avon man; who was often seen speaking out against the Kingdom. Given an unhealthy dosage (thought to be well over 50 grams), the agitator became a willing pawn to Raleigh’s teachings, right before the eyes of the Queen.

The Court, seeing a chance to solidify their power for ages to come, ordered that “Raleigh’s plant” be produced in mass on the southern most hills of England. Plans were then devised to ensure that the plant was given to the people in as many ways as possible. Studies have shown traces amounts of scaroel in snuff boxes, women’s perfume, and some sedimentary records even suggest that the Thames was laced with large quantities of the drug to keep the ‘rabble’ in line.

With the social evils, such as cigarettes and McDonalds, on the fall In popularity polls, the heartless doers of the world have been searching for a new method to deliver scarolea. They have a new target in mind, the obese children of America. Three out of every five children, twelve years of age in America, are porkers. In a matter of months GlaxxoSmithKline will debut a new line of fun chewable Gluttoxipawn for children; designed to help lose weight and indoctrinate!

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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