Irrational Exuberance

Originally published Wednesday July, 12th 2006


The thrill-a-minute world of congressional budgetry has recently come under increased criticism for being wasteful and irresponsible. Acting like a teen with a dad’s credit card, congress has frittered away billions. The two hundred twenty three million-dollar Alaskan Ketchikan Bridge, dubbed “the bridge to nowhere,” is often used as an example to illustrate the 109th congress’s poor judgment and fiscal irresponsibility.

Thanks to the power pork barreling of Congressman Christopher Shays (D), Connecticut is now getting in on the act of robbing the U.S. taxpayer. By attaching a budget amendment to a popular anti-child pornography bill, the congressman has been able to procure $332 million. This money was earmarked to maintain and improve what the bill referred to as “The Last Green Valley,” otherwise know as The Quinebaug and Shetucket Rivers Valley National Heritage Corridor.

The list of improvements made to the park seemed sensible at first. $17,000 was spent to improve existing trails and another $20,000 was committed to blazing two more park long nature trails. Surprisingly, eighty percent of the entire improvement budget went to the installation of three “outhouses” scattered throughout the park. The remainder of the budget was spent on “Greens fees” to construct a nineteen-hole golf course in a region of the park, which was destroyed two years ago by forest fires.

These high dollar thrones rival even the most ornate bathrooms of the Roman Empire. Each outhouse is equipped with a large two story public bath, which is lined with fine ivory and features a jeweled mosaic of Connecticut history crafted into the bath floor. After your bath, you can relax in one of the many saunas or grab a refreshing smoothie at the National Park Service’s only juice bar. The largest outhouse also features an outdoor Segway course, planetarium annex, cultural center, game room and pro shop. Not to detract from the surrounding majesty of the park, each outhouse is coated in a photo-luminous gold paint, which allows the building to appear invisible in direct sunlight.

Congressman Shay has not yet commented on his amendment to fund the building of three jewel-encrusted cloakable spas in the middle of a scenic valley. However, pundits claim Shay’s bathhouses are a concession to win votes of wealthy northern Connecticut robber barons.

The Axis of Stevil has dispatched a team of trained woodsmen to mark trails from the park gates to each outhouse so that every visitor to the park has an opportunity to cavort in the opulence of a cloaked outhouse.

Contributors: Dick (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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