Originally published Friday May, 20th 2005


The most misunderstood creature to have walked on this planet is the “Woolly” Mammoth. You doubt? You think that this is a lie that rivals the likes of the Harding administration during their oil-selling debacle? It’s true; the mysterious Mammoth is one of a small handful of earth bound mammals that is born with a detachable fur coat (thankfully with attached washing instructions). The Mammoth is the son of the great Deacon Pterodactyl, a bird so well renown in the circuit that to mention his name is to inspire a tizzy of long conversation that wax on nostalgically. The Mammoth’s mother was Elizabeth P. Ester, a graduate professor at the University of California, Paleotecha. How two well-adjusted pterodactyls came to have a creature like the Woolly Mammoth is a mystery for the ages, and a topic of hot religious debate between the Coven of Raptors and the Holy Order of Brachiosaurs.


While the common perception of the Mammoth is that it is a lumbering furry beast that wanders the tundra west of 57th street, this is not the case. The Woolly Mammoth is a quiet artisan living a modest existence in a log house in the Catskill Mountains. His house holds the framed corpse of his mother who tragically crashed into the side of the house one infamous 4th of July. Tragically Ester crashed through a load-bearing log and to remove her would be to collapse the house. Rather then destroy a good house and go through all the trouble of filling out change of address forms, the Mammoth framed his mother in a life like 3D scene. At night the Mammoth can be seen solemnly reading by this somber picture. That is if he’s not playing “Balls of Steel”.

Cold natured, the Mammoth walks a life of “the emperor” in his new clothes around his den. Though lately he has admitted to being cold, the Axis of Stevil advises all travelers in the area to carry a pair of mittens in case you encounter the Woolly Mammoth. While the Woolly Mammoth owns a pair of gloves once worn by Smokey the Bear, he chooses to display them rather then wear them. The gesture of glove giving will endear yourself to the creature and the Mammoth will reward you with a ride on his back, and hey what is more fun than a chance to ride Mr. Snuffleupagus?

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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