Moment Of Ultimate Defeat

Originally published Wednesday July, 13th 2005


A fascinating feature of reality is luck, the probability for a turn of events in your favor. Society would teach you that luck is beyond your control, and not a factor. This statement could not be further from the truth! To deny luck is hit-yourself-on-the thumb-with-a-hammer stupid.

There is a breed of snake known as the Masticophis Flagellum. It is the unluckiest serpent of all the snake family. Nature has trained this creature to take its ill windfalls in stride. Because of this, Masticophis has developed a pliable exterior skin of immeasurable tensile strength. It is resistant to water, chemical acids, frying pans, fire, freeze, and BB guns. For all intensive purposes the creature is invincible. Any other creature with such power would quickly rise to the top of the animal food chain. What holds Masticophis back is bad luck. The creature seems destined to always have the worst turns of fate; thusly, the snake will often find himself caught in the ultimate defeat of any given situation. An experience best described as “ownage”. Whether it be slithering out of its hole in the morning or trying to slink away after dinner, a rock will always fall or a trap will always close on him.

While some would pity this creature for its lot or laugh at the cruelty of fate, The Axis of Stevil advises you to do what the Masticophis can’t do, and understand your probability rating. At its birth, each creature gets a randomly generated Probability Rating. This numerical value between 1 and 100 is a multiplier cog in life’s path guider. The higher your Probability Rating, the more likely you are to get the best possible outcome of a given situation. The average human born between 1980 and 1984 has a P.R. of 59.6; just slightly luckier then average. The Masticophis Flagellum in comparison has a PR of 2.633

Awareness of your P.R. is essential to healthful living. It is a tool that will allow you to judge your ability to get approved for a boat loan, win a jackpot in Vegas or be mauled by an escaped panda from your local zoo. The Axis of Stevil, in a shameless attempt at specious reasoning, suggests daily consumption of to raise your over all P.R. levels.

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