Never Forget Capistrano

Originally published Wednesday October, 26th 2005

Capistrano

“The bird menace is coming! Soon you or someone you know could be the next victim of an attack! Who knows? Maybe you might look up and see the swallows in formation preparing to cluster bomb your house! We must never forget the lessons learned in Capistrano! If you give birds an opening, they will streak without mercy!

Those who scoff off this warning will find themselves in a whirlwind of snapping beaks. The bird has a love for the taste of human flesh, and using sharp beak movements he can rip off a chunk of your arm and swallow it. You won’t even know what’s going on until it’s far too late.

Ornithological biohazard labs have yielded a weponized bird dander that militant fowl can easily spread on humans. Loaded dander enters a body through the nasal cavities and causes flu like symptoms. If not treated right away the dander can lead to erectile dysfunction and death.

With large increases in the price of poison and sunflower seeds, the cost of the War on Birds should top 3 billion dollars. Please buy war bonds.”

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