Not Another A Gnome Movie

Originally published Friday January, 13th 2006

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It was a wildly sorted affair in the village of Wickerbriar. David the Gnome a respected doctor and community leader was exposed as fathering an illegitimate child with the young Lisa Curvet, a 175-year-old gnome. At one point farmer Kurvalt, Lisa’s troll stepfather, had threatened to eat David should he ever get near his daughter. With nothing else to do, David fled town one summer’s January night. Accompanied by his oldest friend, Swift, the pair set out to seek their fortunes and find their future in the wild world.

So begins the many misadventures of a gnome:

Chapter the 24th: “Escobar” and Monty.

The sun rose on Swift and David, passed out in a large meadow of tall grasses and poppies. David could hardly remember the past 24 months. The night that he fled Wickerbriar seemed some long ago. Flashes of lavish parties and Guatamaliean prisons flashed through his head every time his eyes closed. It was too much. The visions came back. His head spun in fire that seemed to reach out from a hell much worse then any gnome should be made to go through.

Gasping, David passed out and continued a lifeless pose in the field until several hours later, when Swift nudged him awake.

Sober, David rose to his feat and looked at Swift.

“I can’t use the name “Jobriath” anymore. Call me ‘Escobar.’ I’ve learned the truth of this world and it is two things: Money and power. And I, Escobar, will not stop at anything to have both!”

Filled with the vigor of a new resolution, Escobar gathered all the poppies of the field into his hat and set to work. Through his work as a medicine healer, Escobar refined the non-narcotic seeds to a light morphine that acts as an anti-rheumatic in gnomes, troll, humans, and mountain cats. But when dried out and the residue is inhaled, it acts as a powerful hallucinogenic steroid.

With Swift as a courier, David would live the next five months in the field producing and selling his “brown powder” to nearby villages and towns. Demand was instantly high. What sold at 89 cents day one was valued at 8,000 dollars three weeks later.

A limo arrived to pick up Escobar the day he left the field. Its interiors were lined in thick rows of 100-dollar bill stacks. Suddenly with a personal fortune, Escobar purchased a large club space in a lower Manhattan as a place to call home.

The first friend Escobar made in NYC was Montana Max, a young billionaire, with a villainous ability of industry. Together the two built a pharmaceutical empire selling the drug as a prescription medicine for arthritis: KLOVAAH!-XIN. . .

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