Omg They Killed Kenny

Originally published Friday July, 7th 2006


Over the Fourth of July holiday, amongst the frivolity of celebrating the birth of this great union of states, former Enron executive and embattled “whyte boi”, Kenneth Lay passed away. This came as a shock to the chefs in the justice department, who had just finished cooking up a hot plate of good ol’ American Ass-Jabbin’ Justice, but are now left holding the Doggie Bag. Yes, it seems the void left by Mr. Lay’s death has come at a very convenient time, stopping the federal government from ceasing much of the family’s fortune.

On the surface, this coincidence and happenstance is a small side note to the general tragedy of death. Sources close to the Lay family have come forward to The Axis of Stevil, on the condition of anominitity, and advised the wing of media oversight and skepticism to dig deeper into Ken Lay’s sorted past. The novice hunters would see Lay’s comradery with George W. Bush and stop there. Surely the most corrupted president in recent history could do a solid for one of the most corrupted executives in recent history. Yet, the waters of this conspiracy run even deeper. Lay, a native of Missouri and born in the compromising position of being an impoverish minister’s son, had nothing to lose in his life. Looking for money, he joined the Navy in 1968, where members of the RAND Corporation selected him at random to be a test subject in a massive project to instill Pentagon-controlled operators into the highest echelons of American culture.

He endured intense physical and mental training from his drillmaster, Herbert Walker Bush, the man who gobbled the balls of 23 alien dignitaries to save the planet from annihilation in the late 1950s. Not alone in this course, Lay bunked with a genetically engineered ethnic robot named “Physio Anatomic Computer version 2.0”, or “2pac” for short. Lay and Pac completed their programming by the mid 80s. They became pinnacles of men, admired by onlookers and had a grace and poise that was captivating to those they spoke with. They both seemed to have an almost hypnotic presence. The men were then put into a holding pattern, biding their time waiting for the right moment to be deployed. Lay got a sweet cake job in the department of the interior and 2pac was shut down and put into a broom closet. In 1986, when a corporation named Enron was formed, as an offshoot of an energy merger, Lay was ushered to the helm and told to govern as he saw fit.

Meanwhile in the early 1990’s, his robotic friend was activated in one of the first drives to install the modern pop culture machine. 2Pac generated track after track of computer generated beats, rhythms, and flows that ensured success. As he rose to fame, he kept contact with his training partner. Their letters encouraged one another to continue their efforts and speculated on the coming downfall of governments worldwide. In their last correspondence, 2pac told Lay of his final orders to murder an obese black celebrity and then fake his own death in Los Angles. In the fallout from this, the RAND corporation hoped to secretly premier its next generation Blac-tronic brand robot piDiddi and release at least five more 2pac albums, including his recently recorded “The 2pac Chritzmaz Experience”. The pop machine’s ultimate goal is being a full time funding source for the evil corporations activities for years to come. 2pac had not galvanized the rap industry as planned, leaving a rift between east coast and west coast. Pac feared punishment for his failure. 2pac’s paranoia is obvious in the letter. Though he was assured he would officially decommissioned and was sent to a secret retirement installation on the Falkland Islands. He could not bring himself to trust the agency that was instilling lies into the rest of the world.

In 2001, after 16 years of problem-free execution, Lay received new orders from his superiors. A series of events were laid out for him. The plan was to drive up the value of the company and allow the organization to earn over 45 billion dollars, which would be plenty of money to fuel its activities without a congressional budget line. After the money was taken, Lay was to bury the corporation and take the blame to hide the trail of money.

His mission completed, Kenneth Lay’s death was faked this week allowing the long time servant to retire gracefully from the secret world’s stage. Now to be remembered in memorials, plaques, and air brushed effigies.

The Axis of Stevil asks that all people white, black or alien take a moment and pour a 40 on the curb for another fallen soldier.

Life is fleeting; Merchandise is 4ever!

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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