Pan Seared Hash

Originally published Tuesday February, 27th 2007

friedchef

A surprising number of the collegiate populace had some hope for their cause, thanks to the Democrat’s takeover of the United States senate. A recent poll held in 15 major universities disclosed that 46.5 % of students have used, or continue to use, marijuana. The same poll results also states that 54.4% of students said they lie when asked a question about personal drug use. Despite controversy, marijuana has influenced America since it was stumbled upon in 1492 and wasn’t widely considered a deviance until the 20th Century. However, the sounds of the Regan’s war on drugs were about to be smoked out with the sounds of America’s own Iron Chefs in Kitchen Stadium.

On Saturday, February 24th, a newly designed Kitchen Stadium was unveiled in Denver, Colorado, where citizens rallied for the legalization of marijuana across the United States. It was here that the first Fried Chef cooking competition was held. World-renowned chefs Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, and Masaharu Morimoto would face each other in the most intense triple-threat match in culinary history. To add even more pressure, each Iron Chef was presented with three ounces of Maui Wowwy, which they had to inhale in one hour. During this hour, they were allowed to plan their five-course menus to a panel of sober judges, including East Shore Feud & Whine Magazine’s own Melanie Brazen. The producers of Fried Chef wish to show the positive side of personal marijuana-use, by displaying its potential expansion in creative thinking. Fried Chef promised to be a success, with the hopes that America’s Iron Chefs (with the help of a, supposedly, expanded mind) would present their most fantastic feast.

That was not the case. When the competition officially started, the hashed hashers spent three-fourths of their allotted food preparation time quoting debating over Donnie Darko. When the intoxicated host, Mark Dacascos, stopped bragging about how awesome it was to be in a movie with Alyssa Milano and T-1000, he reminded the judges that the competition was nearly over. The paranoid chefs faltered as they threw together an unrehearsed last-minute menu. In the end, the judges were left aghast when they were presented with breakfast burritos, cheese puffs, and snack packs.

While the Axis of Stevil pleads the fifth on this particular matter, The Axis does believe that vices are vices, regardless of legality. Since the beginning of civilization, humans have discovered and utilized ways to relieve stress, with moderation being the key

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