Primetime Scoop

Originally published Monday May, 22nd 2006

looniest

The world has laughed for many years at acts of cartoon violence. Often cartoons are dramatizations of famous events or true-life stories. Many of the tales are edited to provide the most entertaining and family-friendly story lines. Sylvester the cat is known to have set many a diabolical trap for Speedy Gonzales across the pueblo littered landscape of cartoon Mexico. What you might not know is that these tales where based on one long summer, when the streets of Guadalajara ran red with danger. A deranged cat stalked the city’s large mouse population, killing at random. The exact count is unknown but it is thought that by the time of his capture, Sly “Terror of the Jara” had killed nearly 23,000 mice. He gruesomely slaughtered his victims in many different traps littered across the sprawl of the city.

No mouse could feel safe in these times. Everyday, reports came in of fifteen rodents killed by an electrified block of cheese, or that a family was incinerated when fed tamales filled with small amounts of Napoleon Brand Dynamite. To protect themselves, many mice started staying indoors, relying only on their large behind-the-wall network of cheese tunnels and airshafts to get around. For a time, the killings decreased and life seemed to settle for mice until the unfortunate events of July 17, when the first traps were set around the entrance of the famous La Rica’s Restaurant, which was located in a crawl space of Guadalajara’s largest food court. The incident was caught by the restaurant’s closed circuit surveillance cameras and contained many chilling images. For example, guillotine blade was rigged by trip wire to the entrance mouse hole catching the restaurant owner and morning wait staff by surprise. La Rica’s still opened that day at 11:00am for lunch, with a brand new entrance. A matre‘d, that bore a slight resemblance to a gloved paw, met patrons just out side the door beside a large menu that crudely read FREE CHEESE TODAY. Curious and intrigued mice were escorted to the long black entranceway of the restaurant. Taken in by the grandeur of the slightly moist red carpet that showed the way, the guests had no idea they were being lead into the belly of the beast, literally.

This Monday, tapes of the La Rica Massacre and other extreme video will be aired for the first time in the premiere of Fox’s newest show, Hollywood’s Looniest Secrets Caught on Tape. The show, produced under the guidance of historian and avid toon investigator, Steve Tammerblock, claims to be the most factually accurate show being broadcast in the 8:00pm time slot.

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