Protect Yourself

Originally published Monday February, 12th 2007

GeneralTao

Terror has a new grip on cities across the country. General Tao, the beast that’s more MSG then man, has been sighted again. In this newest incident, a party of four was found savagely beaten and left for dead outside of North Boston Bank and Loan. The victims where found unconscious and glazed in a thick sweet and sour sauce, calling card of General Tao.

It is believed that General Tao was once a humble physicist and matter transportation pioneer named Neil Strut. Strut, who has not been seen since last October, was hard at work pursuing his life goal of commercializing and installing a matter transporter in every home. In his Utopia, all of man kind could travel the globe quickly and at low cost using a Strut brand transporter. Both big business and government considered Strut a threat and his advancements were ignored or discredited. Desperate for funding, Strut needed to prove his concepts were a reality. Having no other options, it is believed that Strut bypassed standard procedure and initiated human testing on himself. When preparations were completed, and the first trial run was set to begin, disaster struck. An improperly hung periodic table fell to the lab counter, knocking Strut’s dinner of Chinese food into the test chamber with him. The transportation beam dissembled both Strut and his dinner and then attempted to recombine the two; creating an amalgamation of Imperial Garden Lo Mien, Human Chicken and Human.

No one knows when or where General Tao might strike next. If the soul of Neil Strut is still contained in the mounds of starch, protein and soy, it might be possible to reason with the monster. Should you find yourself confronted by General Tao, proceed with caution.

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