Steve T. Pizzawheel

Originally published Wednesday March, 1st 2006

This illustrious organization was founded on the principle that everyone can be successful and have a voice to speak their ideas, even people who've been given a name as plain as one given to millions each year, Steve! Every so often, The Axis of Stevil takes pleasure in shining the proverbial spotlight on a Steve who shows excellence in their field.

In the unsuffering tradition of honoring food, dignity and magic, The Axis of Stevil turns its wheels of glory toward a more than deserving candidate, Steve T. Pizzawheel!

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This week the Axis of Stevil would like to shine the spotlight on an unlikely candidate, who, by misfortune of his powerful abilities and acting, has spent the past seven years shunned and demonized. Steve T. Pizzawheel embodies the noble spirit of Stevilization. With great honor, we bestow to him the title of Featured Steve.

A great mystery surrounds Steve’s origins. The urban legend is that Steve was forged by Lucifer himself and used to slice a demonic pizza made from human flesh and bones. The Axis of Stevil, discounting this as myth, investigated into public records and traced the pizza-wheel back to a humble metal factory in northern Philadelphia. Steve wanted nothing more than to leave his small factory and see the world. Luck worked in his favor when he was sold by a wholesale distributor to Hogsorts, an off brand magic academy. It was in the mythic kitchens of Hogsorts that a young prodigal student blessed Steve with the spell of perpetual personification.

Having a life bestowed upon him, Steve dedicated himself to learning the magic arts for the betterment of utensils everywhere. This was a slow and arduous task. Back in these dark days, before Luminare charmed the world in “Beauty and the Beast”, attitudes towards living inanimate objects were resentful and bigoted. Steve was denied entrance to the academy.

So, in the kitchen Steve stayed. However, he did not let the constant setbacks get him down. He trained and practiced all that he could in the kitchen. Discovering a sleeping culinary genius inside himself, the ambitious pizza cutter began the fusing of exotic foods and cheese together to make a culinary masterpiece he called “Stilton Cheesanomics”. It was this genius, and the debut of his triple-decker pizza, that got him noticed by Hogsorts’ illustrious Council of Elders headed by Grand Wizard Humpery Jaclerbert.

Jaclerbert had long known of Steve’s desire to be a wizard and had kept a close eye on the young utensil. Jaclerbert took only one student under his wing every thirteen years. Having just graduated his 499th student, he was actively searching for a new pupil that he could call his greatest achievement in wizardry. He saw the potential for this within Steve.

For the next seven years, Steve would train at Hogsorts under Jaclerbert’s expert guidance. Still not fit to be himself in public, he developed abilities and skills that allowed him to mask his appearance. As a master of disguise, Steve spent his evenings masquerading as an Estonian Barron, winning the affection of several unsuspecting young women.

When Steve graduated, he was given the rank of High Wizard. He left Hogsorts and set off to use his abilities for good. He founded Steve Co. and set to mass-producing magical and enchanted items for the private sector. His first successful product was a line of parachutes made from an enchanted cloth that would always deploy, never tangle, was virtually weightless and could be compacted into a pouch no bigger then a mans wallet. Steve Co. Pocket Parachutes save over 3000 lives every year.

After the release of films such as ”Beauty and the Beast”, “The Brave Little Toaster”, and “Jamal, the Rugged Boot String”, public attitudes towards personified and enchanted objects changed. Steve found that he could now appear in public as himself, something he had always dreamed.

In no time at all, the master chef and High Wizard had endorsement offers coming in from every corner of the world. He settled upon Pizza Hut, who promised to cast him in roles that showed off his abilities.

Steve reflects on this as the worst decision of his life. The Pizza Hut spots, while funny and well produced, cast Steve as a villain and enemy of food. Children watching the commercials during ‘Beetle Borgs’ or ‘Goosebumps’ were indoctrinated with negative attitudes towards talking culinary objects. Reinforcing the tired old standards that Steve had spent his whole life trying to escape.

Sadden by these new developments, Steve parted ways with Pizza Hut and the public spotlight. He relocated to his humble floating cottage on the outer grounds of Hogsorts.

The Axis of Stevil regards Steve T. Pizzawheel as a culinary visionary, respected magic practitioner, and a useful dinner friend. His “never-give-up”, “never surrender” attitudes towards achieving his goals should serve as example to all young persons who feel they are being shunned away from their dreams.

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Know of a great Steve and would like to submit them to be featured? Great! Please contact us. You are here: Axis of Stevil » People » Steve T. Pizzawheel

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