Tempus Fugit

Originally published Friday October, 21st 2005

Timeburgler

Residents of East Shore please stay alert! It has been confirmed by The Axis of Stevil that there has been another time burgle! Community Watch groups are now circulating the only well known image of the Time Burglar stealing from Little John outside of Mile High Stadium. Often mistaken for a decorative figurine, if you see the Time Burglar, do not attempt to capture him! Head inside and phone the N. Hamlico’s Sheriff’s Office. Rumors that the creature has a pot of gold are erroneous! He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, more so than two Professor Cold Hearts put together.

If you are the type of person that has no problems with holding life in your hands, and dare to take on a Time Burglar, let it be known that he wields a magic lantern that he pulls from within his hat. All burglars have hats; even if it’s in their carryon bag they have a hat! The hat is the sign! Look for the hat! While a lantern may not seem like an effective weapon, it is a camouflage to deceive any would be attackers into a false sense of advantage. Most commonly referred to as ‘Robblelights’, this special brand of lantern can deliver a severe blow. During the 2004 Burglar Derby, The Kraught Burglar wowed the on looking crowd by hitting a teed car 1500 feet with his new ultimate lantern technique. Even when wielded poorly, the lantern is a force to be reckoned with.

With the most recent appearance of the Time Burglar, residents should expect to see large chunks of their day vanish. Until the creature is chased out of town, or diplomatic talks can be opened with Quebec, we must be aware of our surroundings, walk in large conspicuous groups. If you spot a Time Burglar, PLEASE run away and call the authorities immediately, so they can discuss the situation until it boils into disaster.

This recent increase, across the board, in time theft comes on the heels of a recent declaration of independence, issued by the Hamburglar to the world. Hamburglar has spent the past 10 years gaining power and influence in the local government of Quebec. In his declaration to the world, he pledges to steal one hamburger form every 4 people; promising them safe harbor in his territory, Peoples Republic of McDowell. He further explains that the new territory’s identity stems from his recent alliance with an up and coming fast food chain or Queens, New York, USA. The Hamburglar urged all other Burgloids to steal more.

While the Axis of Stevil does not recognize the Peoples Republic of McDowell, diplomatic steps must be taken with this would-be nation to quell the rising theft epidemic.

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