The Steve That Can Not Be Named

Originally published Monday August, 15th 2005

This illustrious organization was founded on the principle that everyone can be successful and have a voice to speak their ideas, even people who've been given a name as plain as one given to millions each year, Steve! Every so often, The Axis of Stevil takes pleasure in shining the proverbial spotlight on a Steve who shows excellence in their field.

In an ongoing effort to fool the world through hypnosis, The Axis of Stevil would like to send a hypnotic spell on “the Steve that can not be named”!

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It is rare that you’d ever find some one skilled, both in the art of hypnosis and comedy. Men have spent lifetimes failing to master either one by themselves. Because of this, great recognition should be paid to “the Steve that can not be named”, the Comedic Hypnotist. “The Steve that can not be named”, a seemingly average man, has lived a life many could only dream of.

He left his home country of Latvia in 1957 with a dream to make people laugh; laugh as hard as possible. This desire motivated “the Steve that can not be named” to enroll in the prestigious Hacky Fremont School of Comedy. It was here that he developed what is thought to be the “world’s best timing”. Whether at the grocery store or a funeral procession, “the Steve that can not be named” has been given a tremendous gift. Comedic sages would call him a ‘beater’. Using hyper perception, “the Steve that can not be named” can ‘sense’ every scene that he is in and feels, instantly, where the given comedic beats are located; guaranteeing every joke to kill. Not content with the gaffes he could generate with his jokes alone, “the Steve that can not be named”’s lust for laughter drove him to what seemed like madness.

Against the advice of family and friends, once out of College with a degree in Advanced Yopographic Comditry, “the Steve that can not be named” sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the ability to hypnotize anyone shorter then himself. This daring move would have seemed foolish and destined for failure. “The Steve that can not be named”, being a crafty sort of guy, was not worried. For he new that the devil himself was a creature of below average height. As soon as he was enabled with the gift, he put the devil into a deep trance. Hypnotized, the devil returned “the Steve that can not be named”’s soul back to him and also turned over his wallet.

Returning to Earth, “the Steve that can not be named” finally had, at his disposal, the tools he needed to fulfill a life long dream. He could now tour the country going from school to school hypnotizing large audiences of children much shorter than him and make them laugh at everything he said. “The Steve that can not be named” has said the greatest moment of his life was that 1st time he reveled in the laughter of 300 hypnotized children.

Many companies and government agencies have sought “the Steve that can not be named” out, wishing to utilize his ability to control people for personal or financial gain. “The Steve that can not be named” is known to always offer the same response “Where did you get this number? Please take my number off your list”. The Axis of Stevil, a longtime supporter of the Hypnotic and comedic arts, could not go on any longer without first taking a moment to say thank you to this worthy “the Steve that can not be named”.

Starting this fall “the Steve that can not be named” will be touring high schools with his new act “Mind over Abstinence”; a hilarious production that teaches young men and women the benefits of not mind fucking one another.

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