In the past decade, there has been a growing trend regarding some of America’s most famous celebrities. A now-common thought that flows in and out of the heads of pop icons is that they have more talents then the one, or few, which earned them such status. This is simply not true. We’ve seen some of the nation’s biggest stars crash and burn while claiming to be exemplary at a skill that they simply do not have. Michael Jordan’s minor baseball blunder, Britney Spears’ atrocious “acting”, and Roseanne Barr’s detestable debauchery of The National Anthem are all burning examples of celebrities trying something they had no business doing in the first place.
Our most recent case of celebrity chagrin can be found within the doors of a renovated bakery outside of Arlington, Texas. On December 8th, 2005, Vincent Paul Abbot, long-time drummer of metal pioneer, Pantera, has used the last of his money he collected from the Spongebob Squarepants Original Theme Highlights soundtrack, to dedicate a deli bakery to his late brother, and former Pantera guitar player, Darrell Lance Abbot, aptly named Pantera Bread.
“I got a lot of criticism from other metal bands,” says Abbot. “Dave Mustaine kept trying to convince me that the easy money was being made in film soundtracks. Rob Halford even sent me a letter saying, ‘If you think this piss-hole of a deli is going to get you somewhere, You’ve Got Another Thing Coming.’ I mean, it’s pretty intimidating, coming from those guys. What they don’t realize is that before I picked up my first drum sticks, I used to play with an Easy-Bake Oven. This is just a chance for me to do what I was born to do.”
Despite the disapproval from his former peers, Abbot remains confident in his latest career move. So far, his hope to “reinvent the meal” has turned out quite successful. Customers enter Pantera Bread to find soothing pastel décor topped with the appetizing aromas of freshly prepared soups, salads, sandwiches, and miscellaneous confectionery creations. Pantera Bread features specials such as a “dimebag”, or baker’s dozen, of bagels for only $8.00, as well as Terry Glaze’d doughnuts and the ever-popular selection of sandwiches called the “Vulgar Display of Flour.” Pantera Bread also features a bevy of unique caffeinated drinks, including bottles of Nathan Gale’s Ginger Ale. At the bottom of each bottle is a fired round from a Beretta 92 pistol.
The Axis of Stevil encourages everyone to try new activities and experience other lifestyles in order to achieve self-enlightenment.
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