Why is Java was evil sometimes and so glorious sometimes?

Originally published Monday May, 16th 2005

Why is Java was evil sometimes and so glorious sometimes? (The programming language AND the coffee.)

- Plexie


Dear Plexie, Do you know grammar? We believe you meant to say ”Why is the java bean evil and glorious at the same time?” Your question stumbles onto an important but little known fact on the origins of the internet. You see there are two types of Javas in this world. The coffee, which is a drink too elegant to even mention in these short terms, and the small race of creatures that originated in Columbia but have evolved into telecommunication beings that live in the internet. These beings, in a hope to turn a quick buck, sold spyware and adware in the early hay day of the war. They soon became decidedly wealthy, so wealthy in fact, that they do not have to work anymore. Which affords them A LOT of spare time.With this spare time the JavaBeans have decided, as a race, to be jerks! This conscious, mass decision happened one day when every JavaBean thought it would just be nice to sit down and have a quick card game. Scholars and various universities have speculated as to the cause of this bizarre large scale coincidence. But thus far the most comprehensive report concludes that “everybody just felt like it”. Noted JavaBeans include Estanban Beanino, One of the most successful business beans during his time in the war. When the choice came, Estaban decided to be the living embodiment of a Clint Eastwood movie villain. This response would afford him the pleasure of spending his days visiting ghost towns and related theme parks and shoot around the feet of unsuspecting terrorists.

Plexie, the Axis of Stevil believes that you suffer from a java haunting. There is no medical cure for your ailment; a JavaBean just choses to be a jerk. Your only fix is you must abandon this worthless language, let it suffer in the tome of history. Adopt a new language such as C++, PhP or any Mac related programming field [ed. We need you].

The Axis of Stevil

P.S. In regards to your second question. Yes we like that Strongbad thing too.

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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