How is a penny made?

Originally published Wednesday August, 3rd 2005

How is a penny made?
-E to the M

Dear East to the Mississippi,

While many would view the penny as a superfluous, unnecessary denomination of currency they provide a vital service to society. The average height above sea level in the United States was considered for several hundred years as “too high”**. Travelers and adventurers found this height to be a constant nuisance. Ships ran aground many feet short of the shore, sundials ran fast and cats, when dropped, would always look like they were going to land on their feet but would some how always land on their side. The fledgling American government understood that to increase tourism and foster new business. This slight overabundance of size must be corrected. To do this, the continent needed to be weighed down enough to take the debilitating strain off of the universe. The weight had to be distributed somewhat evenly to insure a balance and level land.

The penny was introduced as a simple weight that any and all citizens could acquire and keep on their person, unknowingly helping to lower the country three and a half feet to the absolute, perfect level, a value we now express as S (big s). The number of pennies kept in circulation is derived from the Estabansa equation of continental float:

S = population (t) x Estabansa constant 12.233(E) x weight of a pennies (v) [% Rate of glacial melting (i) x Rate of lava cooling (L)]

This equation has kept the new world properly aligned for the last one hundred years.

A penny is created by spraying liquid copper at high speeds through a fine mesh of steel wool the shape of Abe Lincoln.

The Axis of Stevil

** - How can something be too high”?

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