Do nose hair trimmers have souls?

Originally published Friday May, 5th 2006

Do nose hair trimmers have souls?


Dear Oderfurst Longmuzzle:

It is very natural to question the relative existence of inanimate objects. The fact that you ask directly about nose hair trimmers is a sign that you are a kindred spirit. Only a handful of people can sense the tiny force of ginger hard at work within the shell of your Braun Eugromatic E-120. There is a strain of life that runs through inanimate objects sired with the demonic forging of a man made from only ginger. When a flat-footed gingerbread man finally “meets his baker”, he must pay a penance for his origin. In his next life, he will quietly inhabit the power source of a nose hair trimmer. In this position he will be able to help guide the operator with the grooming sheers. Only by worker together can man and machine truly

function! For this reason, a good trimmer is hard to find, no matter what hair you choose to keep in-check. Most nose hair trimmers would rather be baked goods and will often refuse to help cut back the shorthairs. These sweet smelling souls are content to lay about, dreaming of sugar cream frosting.

If you have made a connection to your nose hair trimmer, and wish it to remain in good health and spirits, store it in a cool dry medicine cabinet, near the mouthwash and other fresh smelling toiletries. It is important to leave floss out and available for your trimmer. In the early hours of the morning, it might desire the clean that only flossing provides. A nose hair trimmer must productively exist for 7 years to repay Crockstavior, the god of cookies and sweet crackers, for the use of a soul.

If you are in possession of a mature trimmer, consider parting with your faithful ally against nose bush. The proper funeral service for a nose hair trimmer consists of you leaving your trimmer in its travel pouch on a grocery shelf in the cookie isle. This is said to bring the do-er good fortune and health in the year to come. The ginger soul will be so overwhelmed by the smell of its brethren, that the soul will escape the confines of the elderly shaver. He can then dance for a brief period of time with the gingerbread men and milanos until he is pulled like gravity into a steal pizza wheel.


The Axis of Stevil

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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