A Declaration Of War

Originally published Wednesday December, 7th 2005

terrordryerhead

terrordryerwolf

There are two worlds, one of virtue and truth where rights to property exist, children can be free, to enjoy well-balanced breakfasts and have matching day of the week socks; and one of blackness and despair where heartless men rule and people walk around uncolor-coordinated. Bound by a tendency of malice, they forever oppose all that is free and true. One world can stay, one must go! There comes a time when a people must stand for what they believe in! That time has come; we have declared war with the sock goblins!

Consider for a moment that the enemy, R. Murdock, is the acting Demi-God of Evil, and is the high commander and spiritual leader to the world’s population of warlocks, goblins and newscorp. Then consider, he has trained the evil villains of this world to cause harm, malice and disruptions to consumer goods whenever possible. Sock Goblins, the most well known of Murdock’s Empire, have assaulted good people everywhere for the last 120 years.

Appearing in 1885, it is believed the Sock Goblin was released into northwest Manitoba to quell the Stevil uprising by lowering morale. The creature finds sustenance from devouring other socks, feeding on its life force and leaving sock owners cold-ankled and miserable. Sock Goblins are clever creatures; they hide in plain sight, disguised like a demonic chameleon. A “wolf in sock clothing”, they strike where a sock is most vulnerable; in the dryer. The Murdock Empire employs these terrors to keep a population in a state of constant consumption, buying new socks, fueling the machines of war, growing the empire; bigger, stronger, more prepared to strike!

In a world of virtue, respect is given to the most sanctimonious times of a sock’s life; the warm period of rest when the dryer has just finished. Garments do not live in fear, in a land governed by free men. When socks match, people have a higher potential to do amazing things. In the land of matching socks there are white picket fences and strong gin; beings living happy and free from the bounds of constantly having to restock their consumer goods. Never worried of reaching a drawer with one navy blue sock and one black sock, we brave men and women must defend all that humanity means to be, and crush the sock menace!

It has come to it; the world of darkness must be destroyed. Should you see a Sock Goblin, don’t hesitate, you know what to do! Sock Goblins could swallow any garment you love in a second!

terroriec

Sock Goblin Sightings

terrorleeharvey

terrorprowl

terrorsock

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