Diagnosis: Gremlins

Originally published Monday September, 5th 2005


Have you ever had the occasion when, despite your best efforts and abilities, something still goes wrong? When a hard drive fails, an audio track drops out; little kicks in the face that you have no ability to control. While it may seem like these events happen on their own just to spite you, take comfort that these mishaps are well-orchestrated maneuvers done by a crack squadron of carefully trained gremlins.

Gremlins were summoned into this world by Hitler in 1936; it was one of the Fuhrer’s first of many forays into the arcane. Hitler wanted an army of infectious, bad luck creatures. By releasing them into the wilderness in enemy territory, he hoped to weaken the Allied war machine from within like a cancer. Gremlins would bring down planes with faulty rudder controls, Kill a foot solider with a back firing Thompson and make every third person trip, which would be a serious blow to morale.

Bad luck was not as effective as Hitler had hoped. The allied spirit was far too powerful and took all luck attacks in stride.

When he was defeated and Europe was saved, the question became what to be done with Hitler’s surplus supply of gremlins.

The solution came from a shadowy board of figures who suggested the creatures be turned onto the consumer. Gremlins could forever wreak havoc on the end user. The weak spirited masses would be easily victimized by a creature of luck; ensuring “that somewhere, somebody’s toaster oven came factory installed with a defective heating coil that could easily snap and ignite the ovens in flames. This accomplishes two things; creates a constant flow of re-consuming, and a de-moralizing “screw-you” to the rabble”.

Know what the signs of Gremlinsizm are. Only through awareness can you shake off a control.

Are you experiencing any of the following signs?

  1. “Nervous twitch” or “the shakes”
  2. The inability to win a coin toss
  3. Do they often forget your fries at Wendy’s?
  4. On more than three different occasions, a model kit has been missing piece H6?

If you said yes to one or more of these symptoms, you have gremlins! There are only two cures for a case of the gremlins. You can either laugh at the attempt of forced luck thus negating its existence, or you can take FelioPretia* from GlaxoSmithKline.

* FelioPretia Contains Norambrolide (a Fermented form of Salvia Sclarea) and is rumored to have mind controlling properties.

The Axis of Stevil advises no one to consume Norambrolide

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