U.f.n. Sighting!

Originally published Friday September, 2nd 2005


According to Stevil Census Data, the second most well known conspiracy theory is the notion that Catholic nuns have the ability to fly. While the thought of these Unidentified Flying Nuns (UFN) seems preposterous to some, it is believed by many to be a fact. Speculation still remains as to how the Nuns acquired this ability; do they command powers given to them by god? Are nuns actually agents of an alien race left as crowd control for the human masses? Whatever the source, UFNs are said to be creatures that can fly as high as 700 feet and can reach speeds upwards of 30 miles an hour.

Earlier this year, photographic evidence of a UFN flying towards Arizona with a case labeled “1800”, was captured by United States Border Security Post 43. The security camera at the installation had recently been upgraded with a thermal image enhancement system to pinpoint border crossers at night. On the tape, a viewer can plainly see a nun shaped blob pass across the screen. As the first tangible evidence of Nunronautics, it set off alarms in the office of the joint chiefs. It was then that, then Hairdresser, Peter Pace read the brief and saw the photos that had been mistakenly filed in the trash.

Pace, seeing the potential security issue and an opportunity to make himself famous, sold the story and photo to The Sun. On August 23rd, The Sun, as a compliment to its best and worst dressed list and naked picture of Ewin McGregor, had a center spread exposé on the flying nun. This report culled all known data on the flying nun and presented a compelling argument for their existence.

Riots soon broke out at The Holy Sea; where thousands of Catholics turned out demanding an explanation for the cloisters apparent ability to defy gravity.

The jig was up.

The Daily press office of the Vatican released the following statement on August 26th 2005:

“The Flying nun was developed by Nicolas Tesla in 1887. Sensing a need to have an easily deployable form of Catholicism, Tesla designed and outfitted 27 Single person jet packs. He then gave them to his local convent. His hope was that the nuns would use the packs to spread the word of god without fear of quicksand or land-dwelling animals.”

Flabbergasted by the deceit, people all over the world raided churches and monasteries searching for secret catholic technology. What they found was a high tech rocket industry existing behind the facade of religion. Facing bankruptcy in the 1960s, the pope told Catholic President John F. Kennedy that it was God’s will that a man be put on the moon. Kennedy unknowingly played into the churches hands as he founded the modern space program and turned all R&D contracts over to church owned business.

You see, after sixty years of studying and improving upon Tesla’s design, three out of every five nuns could be a certified Rocket Scientist. By hiding in plain sight, nobody grew wise to the deception or questioned how the rockets were being made.

By hording the technology, church leaders hoped to ensure themselves the upper hand in the next crusades; that were said to be “just around the corner”.

The UN has been convened in a special session to discuss the matter and to decide what actions to take against The Vatican.

The dispelling of the mystery comes as vindication to thousand of true believers everywhere who now wish to call light upon the other conspiracies within “The Top 10 List of Known Conspiracies”. If UFNs are real, who knows what might be out there?

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