Edible Enmity

Originally published Friday August, 4th 2006

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The mongers of the everyman cheese are starting a revolution. Wensleydale and the Project for the Betterment of Fancy Cheese have controlled the international cheese market from a quiet cow farm outside East Shore, Nebraska for many years. Due in large part to an ingenious set of media controls, indoctrinated stronger and stronger with every passing generation. PBFC controls all of the world’s cheese supplies. It has gotten to the point that any independent criticism of a Gouda, or oil-wrapped mozzarella, is quickly stripped of credibility by inexplicably loud rhetoric. This tight net around thought has created a lineage of “historically better” cheeses. The players of this society are determined by their age in the cheese culture.

Cheese began with four curds forged at the same relative period. These founding cheeses laid out a system by which cheese could spread across the world. Their blissful utopia of selection, known as ‘The Market’, would only suffer from a few outlying rebel pockets of lactose-intolerant cheese-like products. The cultivation of new cheese thrived. Over the next 120 years, twelve more cheeses would be developed.

The 11th formed, Wensleydale, a limestone infused wheel, had a love for money. He saw his fellow cheeses as profit to be made. Enlisting the unassuming Camembert to parrot his ideas, Wensleydale’s fantastic yarns of inherit castes drew in the gullible. Proclaimed to be ‘Elite Cheese’, a clique of brainwashed Munsters pledged their eternal allegiance to Wensleydale, forming the PBFC. The elites’ superiority was further drawn into reality, thanks to public endorsements made by famous celebrities. The most famous cheese shill, Patrick Stewart, appeared as the voice of the Fancy Cheese. He held hour-long polemic hearings on the proper order of cheeses. In these speeches, he coined several cheese slurs and swears that are almost unmentionable in polite conversation. The elite cheeses defamed all who weren’t of “their quality.” Over time, this defamation took hold in physique and unconscious minds of the land. Now there were bad cheese, cheaper cheeses, and cheeses of great value. Wensleydale controlled the market and the world suffered.

The lowest order cheese, Velveeta, has matured in a culture that is counter to the natural order. Every avenue for advancement was blocked by bureaucratic red tape and a culture of intimidation. Most of Velveeta has submitted, accepting their lot in life: Living a meaningless exultance, only appealing to white trash and queso lovers. In recent years, thanks to documents delivered by a mysterious masked wedge, Velveeta is beginning to discover that it is being deprived a vital amino acid. This chemical, if injected into Velveeta, could provide a much-needed bolster to its taste. Unrest is beginning to stir in predominately-Velveeta neighborhoods as more and more learn the dark secret.

The Axis of Stevil is aware of the coming tide, which is set to topple even the tallest institutions of the cheese empire, has divested itself of all holdings in the cheese market. On Monday workers of Creamy Stevil Dairy Farm will be reassigned to new position in the Division of Rifle and Rapine.

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