Happy (early) Evil Day

Originally published Monday June, 5th 2006


Once every century, the board game designers and legion of villains known as Darker Brothers kick off a one-day pre-sale in authorized retailers across the country. The Viacom subsidiary is celebrating the world’s most evil day by slashing prices on all its infamous products. While not normally known for their generosities, the organizations of evil industrialists have planned two days of sales to draw consumers out of their homes and into stores. The heavy symbolism of the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year serves as a lighting rod of misfortune. Shoppers are 58% more likely to fall down the escalators, bounce a check, or be decapitated by a jack-knifing semi on the way to the store. By luring consumers to malls and shopping centers (and increasing their risk of disaster) Darker Brothers hopes to make this 6/6/6 the most tragic yet!

For months Darker Brothers has dominated the competitive world of board games. Recently this market has been taken over by ‘Excision’. “Help Cruella Deville scalp, slice and poach profitable puppy parts with Excision; the heavily invasive surgery game”. This fast-paced game of skill trains a steady hand and desensitizes children to animal cruelty. Remove a puppy’s ankle to make an exotic aphrodisiac or grab its back pelt to make a pair of gloves. Just don’t touch the sides! Using the unique advertisement campaign “whine ‘til you get it,” thousands of unwitting parents have been convinced to buy ‘Excision’ to gain a moment of silence.

However, Darker Brothers no longer limit themselves solely to board games. Today, they debut the first of their summer line of cookware, including “Hoggish Greedly’s Backyard Family Flash Fryer”, a fifty-gallon drum heated on a propane flame. Simply set up the stand and fill the fryer with oil. Allow it to heat to at least 700° and dunk in your favorite foods. They will cook in mere seconds. Clean-ups are a breeze: Just turn the fryer off and the oil drains into your yard, leaving tasty “Greedily Bits” of rendered fats and food residue. Billed as the cure for those “grossly under weight”, the fryer is sure to make a big hit in trailer parks and county fairs across the southern United States.

The Axis of Stevil is no stranger to the awesome power of symbols. They can inspire us to great heights of achievement or intimidate us with fear. Those who are easily influenced and find symbolism in everything should be advised to stay home Tuesday. The day of the Beast has the power to jinx and curse those who allow it.


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