On Newstands Today!

Originally published Monday September, 26th 2005

Hasbeencover

Some characters will always hang in the mind. These quirky and identifiable icons of film and television can, for a time, capture the heart of a nation. These characters, often, abruptly fall from the public spot light and become forgotten. What happened to Dudley Do-Right? Did Growing Pain’s Boner ever find a girl?

HASBEEN magazine is a monthly publication, devoted to uncovering the facts and files of all of pop cultures lesser and forgotten characters. Delivering scoop after scoop of washed-up celebrity insight every moth through hard-hitting interviews and investigations. HASBEEN tells the full story of what really happened.

Hasbeenheffer

In a hard fought legal battle, Heffer escaped from contractual agreements with Nickelodeon to produce children’s television shows and started an independent film company: Bovated Franchise Limited

We caught up with Heffer on the set of his new movie: Milkula

HASBEEN: So Heff, what have you been up to?

Heffer the Cow: Not a whole lot, me and Rocko recently held a benefit for the Sea Turtle Preservation Society. We tag team wrestled Spongebob and Patrick.

HB: How was that? Spongebob is said to have caused a rift between your production and Nickelodeon.

HC: What? Oh nooo, that’s silly, Rocko and I split from Nick over creative differences. We wanted to take the show in a new direction; pulling from our, then recent, experiences with opium. When they passed on Psychedelic Fusion, we went independent. I don’t hold any hard feelings towards Spongebob, but we clobbered him in the ring.

HB: Patrick was admitted to the hospital and received several stitches in his forehead from a large gash. Reports from the evening say that you struck him in the head with a folding chair.

HC: That’s how wrestling works right? [Heffer stares confused]

HB: Right, So do you miss the good old days?

HC: Not at all, going indie was the greatest thing I’ve ever done. It has allowed me and my friends and colleagues to release powerful films that aren’t confined to the rigid standards of TV.

HB: True, You scored a big hit with the Teen Wolf remake; launching the Hollywood career of Pork Chop the Dog. What do you have to say to your critics, like Dan Eastman of the Chicago Sun Tribune, who referenced The Milking of Molla and Hamburgers Hamburger Hamburgers by saying “These films are nothing more then a cow snuff film?”

HC: I don’t expect people to get me. With those films, I felt the only way to express my message of world peace was to smather [sic] myself in body paints and have two topless women milk me for 20 min in front of a psychedelic backdrop of colors.

Hasbeen14tips

Hasbeenicarus

As reward for vanquishing evil, Kid Icarus was awarded the title God of War replacing, an ailing, Ares. A recent development in the Middle East forced Icarus to step down. He now spends his day as a devoted husband and God of the Sports and Wildlife.

HASBEEN Magazine found Icarus sitting outside his Mount Olympus home:

HASBEEN: So, do we still call you kid?

Kid Icarus: Yea, It’s who I am. I’ve come to terms with my short stature.

HB: Do you still keep up with any of the other Game Masters?

KI: I tried to, but Kevin and the princess started to hookup and it destroyed the group dynamic. Belmont and I still hang out, we go vampire hunting every harvest moon.

HB: Do you miss the good old days of Captain N: The GAME MASTER?

KI: That was a difficult time of my life; I lived in a state of constant fear. Between King Hippo and The Eggplant Wizard, I was constantly being captured and used as bait in maniacal ploys of world domination.

HB: Despite all your trouble, you still remained loyal to the group. If you had it to do again, would you change anything?

KI: Geez…well you know, I would have shot Megaman in the face the day I met him, if I knew that he would screw over my sister the way he did; but that’s all water under the bridge. I would have taken more photos, and I would have looted the corpses of my victims if I had known that gas prices would shoot up the way they have!

HB: Speaking of which, haven’t you recently had issues over oil?

KI: I don’t really want to talk about it. Suffice to say, I’m no longer in charge of wars; I feel special interests are currently totally in control of the fates. I just wanted out of the whole system. So I handed in my two weeks notice and became God of the Sports and Wildlife.

HB: You mentioned mega man, what do you think of his recent admittance of steroid use?

KI: He’s always been on drugs. There were several mornings I would walk downstairs and see him and Dr Light doing lines off of Game Boy. It was no big thing… it’s just that we were in an epic battle between good and evil at the time… he just couldn’t find the balance in his life. Even once the battles stopped… he couldn’t get a hold of himself. I swore I’d never speak to him again when broke the news to me that he fathered seven illegitimate children in a years time.

HB: Would you attend a Game Masters reunion?

KI: No, sucka! That place is WHACK!

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