The Tooth Is Loose

Originally published Friday December, 9th 2005

silverbeaver

To celebrate the 4th Annual Beaville Downtown Festival, a statue of a silver beaver will be unveiled at Flanagan Park. The section of Flanagan Park from 3rd street to the river is being renamed to “The Shrine of the Silver Beaver” in remembrance to one of Beaville’s most tremendous residents. During a heated murder trial, Silver “Sam” Beaver was found not guilty for the murder of Judith Heart. Subsequent appeals, court decisions, and amici curiae briefs have made it virtually impossible to convict a beaver for murder. Beaville, with a community beaver population close to 47%, has dedicated this year’s Downtown Festival to Silver Sam Beaver, and many other esteemed beavers. The Beaver statue is part of Beaville’s continuing mission to improve and revitalize Downtown Park.

Born under a full moon, Silver Beaver was the second of the three mineral beaver offspring. Mirya Mineral Beaver and Smithy Mineral Beaver named their beaver offspring after the Olympic medals when Gold ‘Greta’ Beaver was born at the Naganoe Winter Olympics during the opening ceremony. Mirya who was there skiing for Ecuador, caused a major roadblock in the parade line with her contractions. Though she never got to ski, Mirya is the only Ecuadorian to ever come home with gold from the Winter Olympics! The Minerals continued the naming convention with their next two children Silver ‘Sam’ Beaver and Bronze ‘Barnaby’ Beaver.

Barnaby lived in the shadow of his illustrious siblings, esp. his older brother Sam; who always seemed to get the better of him. Barnaby realized his hatred for his brother after Sam beat him at the National Poetry Slam Regional Qualifier. Since then, he has tried time after time to kill his brother; each time his plots always end in favor of Sam.

Barnaby hired the murderous pirate, Steve, for four sandwiches and a week’s ration of whisky to kill Sam Beaver. By hiring a trained scalawag, he finally believed that he would get the drop on his brother. What he did not account for was the pirate assassin’s eye patch, which limited the vision of Steve’s “aim’n” eye. Steve fired a pistol at silver, but managed only to hit an innocent bystander, Judith heart, who was buying seven hot dogs. Pirate Steve, taking the women’s wallet and two hot dogs, fled the scene; leaving Silver to blame for the murder. Upon hearing the news, Barnaby burst with euphoric joy.

Sam’s trial was a media circus. Several weeks before, the beating of several beavers was caught on video and accidentally released to the Internet. With mounting tension in beaver relations, the trial became a stage on which to fight the age old battle of what it was to be alive. Even with their fair share of valid points, neither side would relent in their cross-examinations. The trial finally ended when it was found that it was impossible for a beaver to fire a gun. At which time beaver counsels shouted, “If the gun can’t grip! You must acquit!!” The judge immediately threw the case out.

The family of Judith Heart has tried several times to appeal the decision. The appeals case was argued before the Supreme Court. It was finally ruled that beavers and other fresh water mammals cannot be charged with murder. Having been cleared of all charges, Sam became a noted beaver figure and has appeared on several hit TV shows; earning the respect of the TV critics and unknowingly thwarting his brother’s murderous plot.

Festival goers are invited to come downtown and visit enjoy the unveiling, booths and food stands that will be lined up in the park. There will be face paintings and the world’s biggest inflatable slide. Attendees are advised to clear the park by sundown, because “Those Beavers will kill ya!”

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