Low Impact Terrorism

Originally published Friday March, 31st 2006

lowimpact

In recent weeks The Axis of Stevil has noticed an increase in the level of terrorist chatter. Several creditable threats in the form of magazine order cards have been intercepted that show a swelling of entry-level terrorist support. Be aware of low impact terrorist organizations that seek to draw upon the sympathies of evil and unmotivated men. The following press release was found in a raid of a terrorist compound outside of Jamestown, MA.

Have you ever felt like the world is too organized? Too mapped out? Too many rules and too little defiance? Where are the unsung heroes that put the real in reality? This self-awareness has put you in the right direction to finding answers to these questions.

Terrorism is not always the worst thing on the menu; it can come in all shapes and flavors. One might say that a terrorist is like a beautiful snowflake; unique in its design and appearance. Terrorists devote their entire lives to a cause; forsaking everything for the belief in an idea that is unaccepted by the democracy. Whether you choose to be an extremist or just part of the passive resistance, it can be difficult to commit the time that is required by particular ideas. A strong terrorist group is a thousand times needier than and thrice as bitchy as any high malignance girlfriend. So if you can’t be a true believer, go for the next best thing: Low Impact Terrorism!

Low Impact Terrorism is the new craze sweeping office parks and college campuses all over the United States. It is fulfilling, exhilarating and easy to join. Through three simple steps, you can be on your way to simple evil justifications in no time! Step one: Fill out a Low Impact Terrorist subscription card. Step two: Check the box next to one of the L.I.T. groups you would wish to join. (There is no limit to how many you can join.) Step Three: Mail in the subscription card. In about 6 to 8 weeks, your mailbox will start to overflow with letters, packages and unsigned notes from people who share the same beliefs as you! Your new terrorist friends will supply you with all the various ways you can use your current job or income for minor bits of evil!

Do you work for city zoning or a construction company? Low Impact Terrorism can help you build that next big mall on a pristine field or public park. Tired of government waste restrictions and bureaucratic red tape? Forget about it! Low Impact Terrorists do not play by anybody’s rules; in fact, they make their own! Dump your hazardous materials and other toxic bric-a-brac behind an episcopal church or in your local county’s water supply. If you are just a local cashier at a Burger Czar, don’t fret! Your consistent systematic shortchanging of customers can yield large profits to fill the coffers of your local sleeper cell. When you’re a Low Impact Terrorist, the word is your orchard and the harvest is on.

If you feel Low Impact Terrorism is for you, but you are as apathetic as grandma at a theme park, just flip over your L.I.T. subscription card and check out all the great deals on subscriptions to popular magazines and news journals. You can get a three-year subscription to Harmonious or the BBQ’s Annual for 60% off the cover price! Since the Low Impact Terrorist Groups are loyal to their members; all L.I.T. subscription card holders are eligible to win a round trip to the Bahamas in a drawing each year!

Low Impact Terrorism isn’t just about filling your return-mailer envelope with scrap paper and mailing it back to the spammer. It is not just about the satisfaction of putting a knot in the democratic system. Low Impact Terrorism is a brotherhood among those who seek to put the real in reality; those who share the same beliefs in turning against the tide and pushing hard. With this in mind, Low Impact Terrorism United has recruited over one hundred of the United State’s finest Low Impact Terrorist masters. We have several facilities under construction in over 10 major cities nation wide! These facilities will start offering classes in Low Impact Terrorism for the working class and the white collars alike. With features including daycare, shuttle buses, and a fifteen foot dive tank; you can relax and enjoy learning simple terrorist skills with convenience.

You no longer have to go on unsung. Join a local chapter of Low impact Terrorism. Let your voice be heard.

Like most armchair evildoers and posers, the part time terrorist has little resolve. In fact he will quickly turn coat and return to the side of good with just a little shock and awe. With this in mind, The Axis of Stevil has started a crack squadron of mercenaries, stuntman and rouge Hollywood producers who have been tasked to combat low impact terrorism from coast to coast. These masters of Green screens, ammunition blanks and stunt ramps will crash a ‘76 thunderbird through a 3rd story office window and spray blanks from a Armalite M16, all while pyrotechnic explosions shimmer through the falling pieces of glass. This theatrical display is guaranteed to terrify even the most stone-faced cooperate slime bag straight. Fighting small time domestic terrorism with big budget action terror is the way of the new century.

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