Oh The Humanity!

Originally published Wednesday April, 19th 2006

HabitTats

Humans, by their nature, are creatures of habit. This subtle internal programming keeps society moving along at a brisk pace. Routines like your morning shower rituals, normal meal times, and predictable sleep patterns can free up large chunks of thinking power. These little choices could over-tax a brain if it was constantly bombarded. Habits automate and filter the simple choices into pleasing patterns, leaving your mind to focus on more important matters. Habits add comfort and familiarity to each day, making life to a bit more manageable.

A recent study on human behavior, conducted by the accredited Seven Stars Academy of Manitoba, has found that when a person is deprived of keeping a normal routine, they are five times more likely to gain a bad habit. These tests were conducted on the fifth largest all-Steve volunteer unit of volunteers. The average good habit of a Steve is 67 steps long and, most-commonly, the process of making toast. A bad habit is a quick one-step habit, like smoking a cigarette or poking the butt.

To ensure the Steves’ personal space was thoroughly disrupted, each subject was assigned a mobile home attached to an 18-wheeled flatbed. Where, for sixteen months, they lived traveling the many back roads of the southern United States. After four months, a third of the Steves had developed bad habits, with another twelve percent of the population, wracked in hysteria by the ordeal, showed signs of developing negative routine. At the ten month mark, four out of every five mobile Stevilians had at least one bad habit.

One-step habits are no simple matter; they can be serious and sometimes debilitating illnesses. The instant gratification and soothing release of a bad habit is addictive. A mind hooked on white lies and foul language could suffer for many years. Severe, ‘Die Hard Bad Habits’ (DHBH) are only curable by the victims themselves, because the process is so close to the bodies core reflexes that only a massive mental shift can shake the habit off. Until recently, it was impossible for friends and well-wishers to aid someone they saw suffering from a DHBH. The negative influences will intercept all criticism and change the sound into a pleasant tune. The infected are totally unaware of the illness. Thanks to recent upheld rulings of the Texas Supreme Court, a loophole now exists that allows a person to be legally drugged and snatched from their home by anyone who has had residency in Texas for more then six years. This has created a unique service for those tired of being powerless against DHBH.

“HabitTat,” the world biggest fleet of mobile tattoo parlors, based out of Galveston, Texas, continuously tours the US, promising to cure all bad habits. Each parlor is an identical 87 foot-long, two-story stretched RV called “TattyShacks”. Each one is assembled from four Sun Voyagers, and can sleep a crew of eight comfortably. Every RV has the “HabitTat” slogan, “That’ll Learn’em,” emblazed on one side. For a small deposit, you can reserve a visit for anyone suffering from a bad habit. The next time they are in the region, “HabitTat’s” safe and courteous body snatchers will take Johnny Bites-His-Nails while he sleeps. He will be sedated with pensolve-solimite and admitted to the “TattyShack”. Quick, computer driven tattooing stations will shave a patch of Johnny’s hair and, on the exposed flesh, tattoo the name of his bad habit. He then will be returned to his bed completely unaware of the experience. The constant visual reminder waiting for him in the mirror will force his brain to readjust and correct the malady. Even if “HabitTat” victims can accept the faults presented, the social ramifications of having their worst trait tattooed to their forehead will spur a desire to change.

The Axis of Stevil would like to advise members of the 7th Volunteer Force that “TattyShacks” have been recently spotted in the vicinity of Annapolis, MD, Provoe, UT, and Fountain, OK.

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