Primetime Is The Right Time

Originally published Wednesday April, 12th 2006


The debut of FOX’s new reality TV Show “To Be Born A Walton” was received poorly by most television audiences. Filled with pandering attitudes, vapid self-obsessed people, and racial slurs, this mid-season replacement for the failed game show “Crash Diet” seems unlikely to plug a gapping hole in Wednesday night’s lineup. The premise of the show had promise when initially proposed by Josh Saviano at the onset of the show.

“The Benefactors of Wal-Mart, The Walton family have lived a life privileged beyond the realm of imagination. With the company’s image in decline these days, Rob Walton came to me with a simple request: ‘Get my family under control!’ My solution, a gold-plated “chore chalice” filled with the only thing this family knows: Benjamins. But these aren’t any normal hundred-dollar bills. Written on each is an occupation of an actual Wal-Mart patron. The Waltons must work at that job for the length of time it would take to earn that c-note. Rob has promised that he will give the Walton that earns the most money by the end of the year half of his riches. The whopping 7.3 billion-dollar stock deals would give a majority stake in the mega corporation to the victor.

I asked Rob why would he give up two times the GDP of Guam to the winner. He explained, “My once beloved company has lost touch with the consumer. Only through the experience of hard work can one truly learn what it is to be alive. To be born a Walton now is to be immune to the concerns of the world and thus an ineffective leader. Wal-Mart needs a strong leader to carry this company into the future. Whoever survives this challenge is just the Walton to lead Wal-mart.”

The premier episode, “Walton’s and Wontons,” featured chores by Jim Walton, Luke Walton, and Elizabeth Paige Laurie. Jim, a 58 year-old bank president had just returned from a prospecting trip in Greenland, and was eager to finally get a hold of the family jewels. He drew ‘Chinese Buffet Attendant”, a job that would take 18 hours to earn a hundred dollars. As he began his duties at “Golden Peking”, it became clear that Mr. Walton had not had interacted with a crowd of minorities since the late ‘50s. On numerous occasions, Jim would shout, “The damn Charlies need to keep the meat stocked up! It’ll make ‘em sell better.” Several minutes of dialog were ultimately censored by Fox affiliates for being deemed ‘obscene’. After only 4 hours, Jim gave up the challenge after the restaurant was visited by a van full of opulent churchgoers.

The next challenge fell on Luke Walton; the 30 year-old lay-about who had been spending his time in Switzerland. Luke owns two mountains and a hydroponic cave that he has dubbed “The Neutral Zone”. The youngest Walton, who is said to have once paid a man 200 million dollars to dress up as Big Foot and be hunted in the wilderness for six months, seemed unimpressed by his uncle’s challenge. His chore was to work at a pickled egg bottling facility in Mount Olive, North Carolina. This job required him to work for 11 hours. He succeeded in the challenge and stood for two days on an inspection line, talking on his cell phone to various ladies. While on duty, the plant produced record 16 defective cans reported from a shipment. The worst offense being a single pickled roach sealed in a 64-ounce jar of brine.

The final challenge of the night went to family’s hellion black sheep, Elizabeth Paige Laurier; The only known person to ever voluntarily surrender a degree to USC. She drew the challenge to work at a Cold Slab ice cream parlor for 16 hours, under the condition that she could get off early if she earned enough tips to equal the hundred dollars. Elizabeth attempted to make an ice confection for one woman, but after five-minutes the ice cream became too soft to kneed. She went on to complain that her hands suddenly became very cold, unaware that her hands where resting on the chilled slab of rock. The challenge was deemed failed when she paid an extra worker twenty thousand dollars to cover her shift.

The show concluded with Rob grilling his family over the choices they made, while standing in a monstrous chalice. This brought rattling about big changes coming along for Wal-Mart. Though no details were given, he seemed to greatly imply the challenges in the future might involve travel to other countries.

While initial hopes for the show were high, The Walton’s quickly showed their complete ineptitude at social interaction. The show became an hour-long train wreck of arrogant aristocrats suffering from the plights of the ordinary for a prize that could changes millions of lives across the globe.

Guests of The Axis of Stevil Travel Lodge can view ““To Be Born a Walton” on channel 92 at 8:00 pm every night.

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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