Slang Hypes You Up

Originally published Monday April, 10th 2006

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Slang Co. Professional/Youth concessions distributor of high-powered, caffeinated energy drinks is going public. The popular company has been in the public eye under recent accusation that its “VigR” line of energy beverage is a danger to the public health. The company has declined comments and issued a statement that its IPO price will be $154 a share. The drink referred to as “VigR” is actually a specially formulated caffeine-fortified tonic that has been cleverly rebranded six times to appeal equally favorable to all markets and demographics.

Debuting years ago with their “Choose Wisely.” product campaign, Slang Co. gained massive exposure by sponsoring a summer-long concert tour that gave free samples of Slang Co. drinks (including eGO, Liquid Bling, and Pink Mule) to anyone who stayed throughout the entire show. This reward has caused nightmares for many families across the nation. Slang Co. products, while having many of same ingredients has your average energy drinks, have one significant difference. Slang Co. energy drinks contain a potentially lethal dosage of caffeine. If the drink is ingested by itself, on an empty stomach, the average body will not be able to metabolize the chemicals fast enough and acute caffeine poisoning will soon cripple the consumer. Slang Co. has provided no warning or label on the drinks’ potential threat and says that its beverages comply with all FDA regulations.

At the time, the concert deaths went little noticed. The Slang Co. Tour headlining group “Hearse for Beautiful”, and opening acts “Devo 3.7” and “Barn Yard Fable”, drew huge crowds, thanks largely to public curiosity spurred by a twelve-month-long advertisement campaign. Audiences at each of the tour’s scheduled stops demonstrated their disdain for the three trendy, fascist, emo bands by leaving the show early and unsatisfied after 15 to 20 deaths were reported at each performance. Curiously, police reports on each of the deaths indicate a finding of natural selection with no charges being filed.

The drinks, sold only from the vans of Slang Co. neighborhood operators, are now the drink of choice for millions of people worldwide that are allured by the rush of cheating death and the desire to stay awake for long periods of time. Over the next two years, it became clear that consumers were unaware of, or could not heed, health warnings. Today, Slang Co. is the highest-grossing beverage company in the world. Investors are desperate to get their hands on a piece of the action.

The Axis of Stevil always asks that everyone enjoy caffeine responsibly.

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