Sacks Of Fun!

Originally published Friday June, 23rd 2006

ballzibuddy

In 2002, the internet’s most infamous piece of malware was put on trial during a class action lawsuit that alleged that the creature willfully spammed, spied and stole all that it could from unsuspecting computer users. The verdict found in favor of the plaintiffs. Consequently, The Original Bonzi Buddy was forced to change the way it advertised and fined two million dollars for damages caused. The trial irreparably damaged Bonzi’s career. Seen now as social pariah, Bonzi was abandoned by his fair weather friends and dumped by his long time girlfriend Wildra W. Bug.

Bonzi tried to keep his spirits and continue on delivering unsolicited ads for whoever would pay. The only work available for the purple gibbon was transporting popups for DangerDongs.com and subscription offers for Jungle Love Quarterly. Innocence lost, Bonzi sprouted two testicles and dubbed himself “Ballzi”.

As time went by, the entropy of culture removed the memories of The Bonzi Buddy. All people now knew was the wise-cracking antics of the Ballzi Buddy, the internet’s newest and fastest delivery method for personalized smut on demand. A user could activate the purple-balled buddy and hear a dirty limerick read aloud as a web browser pulled up the days top 18 sites in tabs. Ballzi managed passwords and logins for all subscription sites you might visit, be it the wsj.com or fisted.uter.us. This allowed seamless browsing between pornographic websites.

Ballzi, having already once been struck by outraged consumers, has undergone several initiatives and product campaigns to cover his bases as his porn legacy flourishes. Starting with a series of low budget PSAs about the discomfort of crotch rot, Ballzi has positioned himself to be seen as a strong advocate for health awareness and sexual discourse.

The purple monkey, today, has announced his plans to take on the often-overlooked topic of a male’s sexual maturation. This is a time when young men find that their bodies change from nancy-boys to rugged industrialists. Ballzi believes that, “two generations of empowered women, lifetime television and political correctness has weakened the once solid definition of what is manhood. Gender-neutral action figures desensitize boys on what it takes to be a hero or villain in the world.” His idea is a well-endowed plush likeness of himself, which will teach kids “man-up” as they play. Not just a doll, the Ballzi Buddy draws attention to its testicular fortitude by hiding ‘Spermworld’ action play place within its scrotum.

Ballzi Buddy will be available by September 2006, just in time for the Christmas season. Fox Kids is producing a spin-off cartoon of card dueling sperm. Ballzi Buddy is sure to be the must have gift of the year.

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