Safety Buff

Originally published Wednesday August, 16th 2006


The Axis of Stevil, troubled by recent events has partnered with Dari Airlines for their national ‘Buff Out Terrorism’ campaign. These organizations are trying to promote a sensible alterative to terror. The upstart Dari Airline has operated for several years as a notorious private air-firm, catering to rock heroes and Euro jet setters. The owner, Quantos Steveton, has agreed to share his luxurious planes with the world, in a strong effort to lessen the fear and inconvenience of modern air travel. The following excerpt from the Companies travel brochure

“When it has reached the point that an nPalm mp3 player can detonate multi-liquid explosives at the play of a song, you should tell yourself to remember the good olde days of Die Hard 3, and embrace the fearless spirit of 1995. Shed your futuristic clothing and relax in our flying ‘romper’ plane, the world’s first safety padded play-space and bar. Our patented Romper class outfit of a Bowing 767 is a majestic bird soaring across the golden waters of the Atlantic and Mediterranean. This uniquely safe way to travel high-risk air routes finally rewards you the security that the normal way of life died for.

You might as well accept it, with the way regulations and security screenings are going the process of flying is just going to become a terrifying ordeal. Not with Dari-Air, registered bags and luggage are picked up twenty-four hours in advance and are thoroughly searched and scanned for bombs, drugs, paraphernalia, odd smells, urban clothing demographics, computer viruses, and Cuban propaganda. Passengers arrive, get their boarding passes, and are escorted without wait by two bomb-sniffing dogs in bright vanguard to 4 star locker rooms. The one of a kind changing room is filled with heated leather chairs and Brazilian hardwood benches. Passengers strip and load their clothes into a metal shoebox. These boxes are biometrically sealed and can only be reopened at touch down in your destination city, so you know it’s safe. Talk to someone around you and enjoy some of your complimentary 6-pack or liquor baskets. When your plane is clean and ready for boarding, a light will illuminate and passengers will have ten minutes to board the jet.

The duration of the flight is totally up to you! Try some exercises, bounce about in the padded playrooms, or relax and have a drink in our two-story ‘Padlaidum’ plush novelty bar. This cozy TV bar provides a perfect atmosphere to enjoy being naked, and revel in the pleasure of sitting on a bear skinned chair or barstool and watching some good old American TV. Not up for Season seven of Seinfeld? We also have major motion pictures playing on several premium movie channels. For those who get high on miles, or are grotesquely deformed, we have special private beds for an additional fee, and unoccupied beds can be purchased in mid-flight. When you fly Dari Air, you will receive only the best service from in-flight bar stewards and Dari-ators. Worried about the fun leaking over into the real cockpit? No need to be, since there is no access to the cockpit whatsoever. The pilots board at a separate entrance, just for them, and are guarded by air marshals at all times. So have a good flight. Don’t worry, you can pick up your clothes from our private baggage claim when we land.”

The Buff campaign will continue this year through the end of the travel season. By keeping your minds open, you can get the most out of life with a rich tapestry of experience

Contributors: Dick (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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