The Joys Of Life

Originally published Wednesday January, 18th 2006


A common misconception of the universe is that Fraggles and Doozers live in a harmonious balance under the surface of the earth. This is not the case. In fact it is another example of reality distorted by television. Using refined radishes, the Doozers spend their days constructing large pieces of scaffolding that taste and smell of a sweet candy to Fraggle nostrils. Have you ever wondered why they build so much, just to have it destroyed? It is not their desire to construct, but to live. It is a sad fact that when there are no Doozer buildings to be eaten, Fragglies will turn their appetites on Doozers themselves!

A healthy Fraggle can consume a colony of 28 Doozers in one sitting. This works out to be a lot less meat then you would think. In fact, because the Doozer spends most of its life working, its meat is often tough and gamey. The Joy of Cooking Doozers has this to say:

“The best meat is found in the neck and the rump. Try and find a Doozer who has worked a crane or truck. The time he has spent sitting down has plumped his seat into a juicy treat!”

Barbaric? Not hardly. Life and Death are part of the natural order. What IS barbaric is the exploitation of Fraggle appetites by baked good mogul, Bill Rosenberg. He lured the Doozers away from Fraggle Rock and into a large fenced track of land on North Cape Cod by promising a large colony a life of safety and security, where they could build all that they wanted without worry. It is here, Doozers are born, nurtured, slaughtered, and finally baked into warm glazed treats. To be sold to Fraggles, Gorgs, and any other animal with a sweet tooth at Dunkin’ Doozers.

There are nineteen Dunkin’ Doozers operated by Rosenberg across the country; each has a menu with fifteen styles of flavored Doozer. Do you want yours with sprinkles, crème filling, radish icing, or just an original glazed Doozer? Dunkin’ Doozer has something to match your appetite, plus flavored coffees and lattes.

The Axis of Stevil is a strong supporter of PETD, People for the Ethical Treatment of Doozers. PETD hopes to raise enough money in donations to transport all Doozers living within the United States to The Doozer Nature Preserve. Which is located in northern region of The Republic of Congo, Africa.

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