Trouble In Malltropolis

Originally published Wednesday May, 10th 2006

clubbedseal

A new sensation is taking over the malls and teenage hang outs all over America. Just a year ago, Clubbed Seal, the newest fur club clothing hot spot, became the talk of the media and “cool” tables in high schools everywhere. The raver’s fur boutique, with its hip layout, mainstream up-beat music, and fur sported by J. Lo, Fergie, and Baby Spice has been attracting the crème de la crème of club going ladies.

“Anyone who is anyone will be wearing something from Clubbed Seal, I mean it’s totally fresh.” –Ashley Ritch, local teen and Cheerleading captain, being treated to a Clubbed Seal coat by her mother.

Only the best kinds of clubbing furs are offered by Clubbed Seal, like fox, chinchilla, rabbit, and of course, seal. Bear, deer, and beaver furs are reported to be last season and hard to dance in; and therefore, are only worn by imitators. Wearing a wrap from Clubbed Seal is like holding a key to the town; one could skip lines at clubs, be showered with free drinks and gift cards, and score a date for everyday of the week. In time, the wrap will practically pay for itself in gratuities.

Results from a sample survey show that the general crowd at a Clubbed Seal includes parents and teens that live on or near streets named Arlington, Madison, and Ocean; as well as have last names that include Maguire, Firestone, and Jackson. The majority of the surveyed said that they were not making the purchase but still receiving the fur. Results also showed that every person entering the store had their own vehicle.

In response to Clubbed Seal’s precipitous exploitation, rebellious teenagers have joined forces through internet blogs and local organizations to open The Mouth of the Walrus, a new boutique with “a different taste for clothing”. Strategically placed beside all Clubbed Seals, The Mouth of the Walrus is attracting more adolescents than its neighbor and is even rumored to be changing mainstream style altogether.

From the same sample survey given at Clubbed Seal, the results show that the general crowd at The Mouth of the Walrus is greatly diverse. The number of different streets and last names were too vast to calculate a top three. Results also showed that the majority of the customers car pooled to the store.

With their loud colors, humorous tee shirts, and outrageous combinations of chains and pants, The Mouth of the Walrus feeds the need for anybody to run against the grain. Their “two fors” and inexpensive style is becoming immensely popular among freshman high schoolers and is predicted to continue each new school year potentially weeding out the Clubbed Seal fur fad.

“A group of us got together and started The Mouth of the Walrus to give every one a chance to be themselves and afford clothing that not only looks good but presents a message: You don’t have to be clubbed to be cool.” – Jesse Powenski, East Shore, NE teen and creator of The League of the Extraordinary, which operates The Mouth of the Walrus.

This obvious rivalry between the traditionalists and the peregrine rebels is only a new form of the age-old battle between the “in” and “out” crowds. Since the dawn of social ranking in Ancient Rome, where one’s class would determine how fashionable they could be, there has always been a bitter battle between the classes. In our generation, the two classes have embraced their allotted fashion; with victory finally coming to one side as the walrus seems poised to eats the seal.

The Axis of Stevil has set an 8:30 pm curfew for Malltropolis, the underground shopping complex for Steves and friends, to quell the recent violence erupting around The Mouth of the Walrus.

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