Beloved Fish Tycoon Dies

Originally published Wednesday November, 16th 2005


Arthur T Watercrest, the greatest known trout investor, has died. The industry baron was found fried, filleted and covered in mayonnaise in a South Littleton Red Lobster. Had wait staff not noticed the deep fried remains of his monocle, the plutocrat fish surely would have been eaten. What is left of the body has been returned to the Watercrest Estate. A crowd of 2000+ guests is expected to be in attendance at tonight’s memorial service of the world’s greatest fish.

Rising from The Clearwater Orphanage and Hatchery, Arthur Tiberius Watercrest was given nothing in this world. At the tender age of two, he made the leap out of his hatchery and into the work force. If you are unfamiliar with the life of this proud fish, you might think it impossible! No normal fish could hold down a job, not even at McDonalds. Defying the odds, Arthur acquired a small bank loan and opened his first of many businesses: “Clearwater Coin Laundry and Mulch”; a unique hybrid of lawn and laundry care that revolutionized on-demand mulch delivery. His success did not stop there.

By franchising his mulch services, Watercrest had resources to invest in other interests. Seeing a niche within the fashion community, he developed his own line of pro fish clothing.

Emblazoned with “Trout Have Clout”, BFFF Wear appealed to a young, loyal demographic of fish and human alike, who appreciated the idea of By Fish For Fish. As the first boastful Osteichthye voice ever heard, Watercrest shirts are blamed for inciting riots in port cities and fish markets around the world. Disenfranchised gilled creatures became fed up with corporate America who, until BFFF, had never acknowledged their existence beyond the aquarium as consumers. Water creatures soon started demanding handicapped tributaries to navigate around, once inaccessible, land dwellings like the mall.

Watercrest’s death has been ruled accidental. Stopping off at a red lobster to use the bathroom, Arthur was mistaken as a misplaced food delivery by Sioux Chef Estaban Vandasay. Ignoring his ability to talk, Vandasay fried the millionaire fish in a tangy Jamaican batter. Though he is gone, his spirit remains as the guiding light for marine equality and activism.

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