Beware Of The Walrus

Originally published Wednesday May, 4th 2005

Walrus

It is in your best interest to be weary of the Walrus. It is far too often that the obvious words of wisdom go unheeded by mankind. Warnings more blatant then the universal “Don’t drink orange juice after brushing your teeth”. The walrus is a poor sport! Truly the most brash and inconsiderate of creatures, he is known for often forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. You must never challenge him in anyway shape or form. For if you best him he will explode into a fiery rage and assault you with deadly force. Thrashing at you with whatever objects are near by.

On average more then 10 million people worldwide are admitted to hospitals and veterinary offices with walrus related trauma. While there is a movement within The UN to take action against the Walrus he currently has diplomatic immunity as The Walrus. Because of this, the Walrus has never been successfully prosecuted in civil or criminal courts. While some victims settle out of court, most of his preys are forced to rely on Walrus Attack Insurance. Which thankfully is now offered by almost every major insurance agency.

Those who knowingly engage the Walrus in sport are a pompous, and arrogant breed; not content to be humble before a creature that would without thought cause harm. The Axis of Stevil asks that while you travel this world. Should you ever encounter the Walrus; and his traveling gang of croquet playing hippos, and seals. You should not make eye contact, and walk away directly. The lights will be bright, and they will try to tempt you with sweet dreams of money and Turkish delight. Stay firm in your conviction, and get yourself to the nearest well lit public area. If it is night time contact the local sheriffs department or nearest Triple A office. Report all incidents to your local TheWalrus.gov agent.

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