Welcome To The Jungle

Originally published Friday April, 21st 2006


There are six great misconceptions that plague the lands like a black death of ignorance. The most well known falsehood is the fantastical thought that the mortal enemy of the mouse is a cat. Thanks to the bad enchilada jokes and violent acts of Speedy Gonzales and Sylvester, popular opinion has been forged with a flaw. In reality the true enemy of the rodent is the turtle.

Since the 4th reckoning of Gamera, where the mega turtle defeated the 300 ft tall robotic mouse Volox, turtles have declared a sovereign right to enslave all mouse kind. Turtle lords do not have pleasant dispositions and take pleasure from marching their slaves in a single file line at a slow pace.

A very industrious Box Turtle, Morton Heed, has turned his whipped mice into an efficient workforce. Morton, a simple carpenter form Kent, OH, has trapped over one hundred and forty five mice using clever wooden traps. Each rodent is issued a blanket, a hammer and a carpenter’s hat. Everyday to avoid torture the mice are forced to construct town homes and duplexes for Morton’s construction company, MBH construction.

Mouse Built Homes is a cheap alternative to traditional housing. With the only labor costs being the Osha required daily cheese sandwich breaks, MBH can build a home in half the time and for a 1/4th of the cost. Since starting, Morton has seen his income triple and has recently been approached to write a book featuring his “innovative management style”.

The Axis of Stevil refuses to associate with anybody that condones slavery. Only through education will the plight of the animal kingdoms second-class citizens be alleviated. The emancipation of the mouse is a high priority bullet note in Stevil Pamphlet 47, “Abolitionists and you”.

Contributors: Stevil (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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