Wombat Dating!

Originally published Friday June, 24th 2005

Wombat

Once the wombat was only the subject of lore in Australian pubs, brew halls and keggers. The tale of the wombat speaks of a creature so inept in wooing the opposite sex that it surely is a matter of luck and slippery tree branches that the species has managed to procreate. With the signing of the Marsupial Non-Proliferation Accord, wombats have finally been allowed green cards, allowing them to migrate to America in hordes.

Across America wombats are settling in and starting new lives for themselves. Now on any given night, in a local drinking establishment you might spy a wombat. Be aware that the legend of wombat game is not overstated. This creature is totally inept at social contact and discourse. Wombats are rarely aware the volume of their voice and are prone to laugh at inopportune moments. Their odor is described as “the smell of wet carpet padding and play dough”. In conversation they are brash and cliché often seen bellowing bad pick up lines into the unsuspecting ears of any creature of the opposite sex.

The Axis of Stevil, conducting a 10-year long study on the wombat to better understand the nature of their problem, thought perhaps a cure could be found for their social short fallings. What was discovered goes well beyond what was expected. Through a twist of fate and trade winds, the sole birthing grounds of the wombat are right beside a 20 lb pile of 1974 ‘Ultra Batchelor’ magazines. (the largest such stockpile still in existence). At the foot of this porn mountain wombats are brought into the world and educated from the 1st day on the ways of the Ultra Bachelor. Burrowing into the pile for shelter many wombats spend their nights in their tunnel dwellings reading the strange writing on the wall. Learning “ Five Great Lines For Any Situation, and “What Not To Say When She Wakes Up”, these early events in the life of a wombat forever scar him and retard his social growth. With the support of the Australian government, the Axis of Stevil facilitated in air lifting of the porn mound from the wombat ecosystem safely to the middle of the Indian Ocean. Fate once again smiles on the wombat.

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