You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do

Originally published Wednesday August, 10th 2005


The modern work force, while diligent and readily available, does not produce the same caliber of employee that can be found in the Animal Kingdom. The Axis of Stevil, in a service to greaten the public’s awareness, has started the ‘Lighter Side of Animal Testing’ Campaign. With continued support, the preconceived notions and stereotypes of animal testing labs will be removed from our culture.

Take the rabbit for example; it has a natural intrinsic work ethic. From its birth the rabbit understands “You gotta do, what you gotta do”. This has enabled the rabbit to hold jobs most would find unimaginable. It is no coincidence, then, that statistically; the three worst jobs ever (Shark tamer, Landfill Owner, and Hardee’s Employee) are rabbit dominated fields. Scientific studies on the rabbit have shown that even under the worst of conditions and circumstances the rabbit will do as he is told for a paycheck.

A mixture of sorcery and home appliances, The General Electric Company discovered an ancient good luck charm. By employing a “Rabbit, Rabbit meat tester”, they discovered that a company could be assured financial success and business growth. A rabbit consuming a type of enchanted bunny meat is considered a sacrifice to the cannibalistic god Jukajuke. The ghastly sight of a rabbit subjugated to eat his own kind will amuse him, as payment for this entertainment he will direct luck particles towards your corporation for as long as your rabbit is consuming. Only 6 men, all whom are the heads of major multi-billion dollar conglomerates, know the incantation for the ‘demon’s meat’. Every major brand name company, IBM, Westinghouse, Sony, Progressive has gotten to their current level of success today thanks to rabbit meat sacrifices to a bored Pagan deity. Modern historians would interject that, “it is perhaps this fiddling with the natural order that caused the baby boom and it’s resultant consumer culture. Not some frilly post war sex romp.”

Animals deserve their civil liberties. Regulatory committees need to acknowledge that OSHA food standards, that strictly prohibits on the job cannibalism, apply to both Human and animal kind.

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