Cap N' Three Words

Is it just me, or is Cap’n’ Crunch cereal a lot softer than it used to be?

• Nicole

Dear Nick Hole,

No, Nicole, you’re not going soft, but it’s true that Cap’n Crunch has. The Axis of Stevil reminisces of the joy brought from sugar-saturated breakfast cereals, and while the crunch berries were usually a crowd pleaser, the original Cap’n Crunch just couldn’t cut it with the kids, no pun intended.

The Axis of Stevil has foraged through the Archive of Food to find a box of Cap’n Crunch circa 1976 in order to compare it to one from today. Miss Benson’s 3rd grade class from West East Shore Elementary was chosen, at random, to be our test subjects. First, the class was given a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, which was purchased this morning from the local Gritty Kitty. The children reacted only slightly positive to the cereal. It was enjoyable, yet many of the obese children asked if there were any misplaced marshmallow bits or savory gravy. After they had finished their half serving of the current Cap’n Crunch, the children were given a half serving of the unopened box from three decades ago. “This cereal is older than my grandmother,” laughed one of the students. Sadly, the laughter stopped there. Being children, and willing to eat anything, the entire class shoveled a mouthful of ’76 Cap’n Crunch into their hatches. One by one, like a slow-mo dramatic U.S. soldier death scene, the children began to cry and scream with their lips dripping with their own blood. Luckily, a team of paramedics were on stand-by outside of the school for just such an occasion.

Now that the Axis of Stevil has proven that Cap’n Crunch is going soft, what is the cause? Was the cereal modified over the years? Is it the work of the Soggies? Or were those kids just wimps? Those answers are left for another time.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil