Pride of the Birthmark

Ever since Democrats declared majority in the United States senate, celebrities have been acting …well…queer. The Dixie Chicks sweeping The Grammy Awards and Britney shaving herself bald, for example, are just some of the irregular incidents that have taken place in the beginning of 2007.

Changes aren’t just happening in Hollywood. Even Middle America is feeling the effects of the country’s realignment. East Shore, NE is now home to America’s first openly homosexual chain restaurant. English composing connoisseur, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber presents, “Gay & W”: an old-fashioned, American burger and ice cream parlor catered to those with alternative tastes. After his continued success in Broadway, Webber used a portion of his acquired assets to transform an East Shore A&W Restaurant into the first flamboyant fast-food restaurant.

“It’s still a family restaurant.” says Webber, “Nothing has been removed from the menu. The only item changes are the added vegan-friendly items. I understand the concern among regular customers, but I’m not discrediting the [restaurant] chain by any means. I enjoy A&W and chose them based on their hearty cuisine, family values, and choice in initials. I’ve worked with homosexuals throughout my career and can honestly say that they are just as human as any heterosexual I’ve met. America is heading into a different direction, but it needs that first kick in the arse to get things going. I believe Gay & W is just that.”

Gay & W is still just as kid-friendly as ever, featuring their modified mascot the well-endowed Gay Roots Bear who encourages kids to reach abnormally deep into themselves to discover who they really are. Also, the Kiddie Pride kid’s meal features your choice of “Buddy Burger” or “Average John’s” half-foot hot dog, side, drink and extra-experimental prizes, including Mary Kay pocket mirror for boys and Dippity-Doo hair gel for girls!

Just like the original A&W, Gay & W features a collection of name-brand merchandise, like the leather embroidered “Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’” ass-less chaps. Nothing is more American than the profiteering of special interest agendas using name-plastered crap. This advanced alternative of the American burger bar is to have its Grand Opening March 3rd, 2007.