Great Scott

Originally published Wednesday April, 26th 2006

surveymonster

A key component of the internet is its ability to, in a mater of moments, diagnose your personality. Thanks to a plethora of surveys, quizzes, and interactive-rich media experiences, you can be labeled “a true geek”, “a hopeless emo kid”, or “most likely to marry a woodchuck.” However, these diagnoses are not always free. Many times the websites that claim to know you, have forgotten your e-mail and won’t share the test results until logged in. By holding back the results, the operator hopes to increase his profit and user base. This plan backfires more often then not. In a recent survey, seven out of ten internet users admit they will not take the time to register, or log in, to any site that doesn’t start with the ‘my’ prefix. Unclaimed answers are not lost to the ages and left collecting virtual dust on a server’s shelf. Instead, they are collected and carefully filled into the John Doe survey vault by the Gigalibre.

Gigalibre is a data-mining monster that has inhabited the World Wide Web since 1998. No one is sure from what realm the beast was summoned, but on occasion he has been seen sporting a S.C.U.M. “Member’s Only” windbreaker. It is safe to say any monster affiliated with “Saboteurs and Criminals United in Mayhem” is one to be feared. Every evening, Gigalibre wanders the net like a rogue janitor, emptying bins of unclaimed survey results. Many unaware web producers think of this as a service to them. They go as far as to create special Gigalibre “pet” doors into their sites to aid the monster’s clean up. It is estimated that Gigalibre has more then 87 million results on file, making it the third largest pool of raw web surfer data owned by a monster, spook, or unearthly creature.

MI6 internal memos, found on the internet, mention a growing concern within the agency that Baron von Skarin is plotting to use Gigalibre’s vault of data in a diabolical statistic machine. His device is so powerful, that when finished it will produce a generalized linear model of the future. It was made clear in Back to the Future II that information on the future in the wrong hands will lead to a corrupt world where chaos reigns. For this reason, The Axis of Stevil has dispatched Juan Conroy to dispose of the Gigalibre before his actions destroy our current timeline.

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