Dy-no-mite!

Originally published Friday March, 10th 2006

napoleondynamite

Sifting through the hype and fluff of consumer explosives is a daunting task. Everyone has got something to sell you, from high power thermite charges to RDX infused armadillos. It’s hard to be sure of what you really need. For a newbie to the land of pyrotechnics, The Axis of Stevil recommends Napoleon Brand Dynamite.

“Whether you are tunneling through a mountain or quieting your neighbor’s car stereo, Napoleon Dynamite is the right choice for all your incendiary needs; the only brand preferred two to one by co-op diamond miners worldwide. Made from only the finest hard-shelled algae, carbonates and glycerins, Napoleon Dynamite sticks are guaranteed to crush stones and break bones.

While the world credits Alfred Nobel for the invention of dynamite in 1886, Napoleon Dynamite has been in production since 1769. Started by the emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte, the dynamite was discovered in a state-run fireworks factory in the northern department of Pas de Calais. The factory workers stumbled upon a potent explosive, while trying to create a sparkling rocket without the use of messy black powders. The discovery was named in honor of Bonaparte, who was impressed by it’s destructive force. Mass production of this new firecracker began immediately. Demand quickly exploded as word of the emperor’s mighty new ‘boom stick’ spread across the nation. The unique recipe for Napoleon Dynamite has become a closely guarded secret and is known only by the three master-blasters of the Calais factory. Currently, Napoleon ships 1600 cases of dynamite per day, doing what its namesake never could; conquering the world.”

Tired of losing your valuable stores of explosives to the ravages of time and skunky glycerin sweat? Worry not. Through the use of its revolutionary ‘thermo-skin’ layer that keeps it’s ingredients at maximum potency and freshness, Napoleon Dynamite is the only stick of dynamite guaranteed to not sweat. Optimum explosive power is assured for a minimum of ten years.

“Napoleon Dynamite blows… the competition away!”

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