Low Income Sock Beaver — Issue No. 36

Meanwhile A new species of carnivore, like a cat crossed with a lemur, is photographed in BorneoLondon's last Routemaster bus makes its final run on route 159An Italian court rules a racial slur isn't necessarily racist if you're also committing a crimeBritain registers its first same-sex civil partnershipsDavid Cameron is elected leader of the Conservative Party

Publications

The Tooth Is Loose

To celebrate the 4th Annual Beaville Downtown Festival, a statue of a silver beaver will be unveiled at Flanagan Park. The section of Flanagan Park from 3rd street to the river is being renamed to "The Shrine of the Silver Beaver" in remembrance to one of Beaville's most tremendous residents. During a heated murder trial, Silver "Sam" Beaver was found not guilty for the murder of Judith Heart. Subsequent appeals, court decisions, and amici curiae briefs have made it virtually impossible to convict a beaver for murder. Beaville, with a community beaver population close to 47%, has dedicated this year's Downtown Festival to Silver Sam Beaver, and many other esteemed beavers.

Continued in Publications, Plate 66

Speed of Ground

speedofground

Speed of Ground 12.05.05

Language

"anthropomorphize"

an·thro·po·mor·phize; v.

To ascribe human characteristics to.

"When recalling events in court, the defendant anthromorphized a conventional soda dispenser and accused it of being rude and distasteful."

anthropomorphize

Ask Stevil

Do the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any purpose?

Peter, Dallas.

Dear Texas Pete,

The ridges you find on your run of the mill plastic cup most certainly have a function. The Solo Cup Company was established in 1936. On December 18th, 1936, the very first panda bear was brought to the United States. As you may know, pandas do not cope with jet-lag very well. Once it was released into its new habitat, the panda was relentless towards all zoological staff. Nothing could cope this savage beast.

The patrons were not pleased with the new animal and begin to throw trash at the panda. One audience member just so happened to hurl a scrunched plastic cup, which hit the panda directly in-between his eyes, and fell into the panda's paws. He examined the cup and then gently scratched the side of the cup with his claw, back and forth. The sound that this created made the once-boisterous brute into a docile dandelion. Every night, the panda would scratch the edges of the plastic cup and lull itself to sleep.

From that day forward, the Solo Cup Company featured ridges along the side of every plastic cup, just in case there came about another disgruntled panda.

disgruntledpanda

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Do the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any purpose?

Publications

A Declaration Of War

terrordryerhead

terrordryerwolf

There are two worlds, one of virtue and truth where rights to property exist, children can be free, to enjoy well-balanced breakfasts and have matching day of the week socks; and one of blackness and despair where heartless men rule and people walk around uncolor-coordinated. Bound by a tendency of malice, they forever oppose all that is free and true. One world can stay, one must go! There comes a time when a people must stand for what they believe in! That time has come; we have declared war with the sock goblins!

Consider for a moment that the enemy, R. Murdock, is the acting Demi-God of Evil, and is the high commander and spiritual leader to the world's population of warlocks, goblins and newscorp. Then consider, he has trained the evil villains of this world to cause harm, malice and disruptions to consumer goods whenever possible. Sock Goblins, the most well known of Murdock's Empire, have assaulted good people everywhere for the last 120 years.

Appearing in 1885, it is believed the Sock Goblin was released into northwest Manitoba to quell the Stevil uprising by lowering morale. The creature finds sustenance from devouring other socks, feeding on its life force and leaving sock owners cold-ankled and miserable. Sock Goblins are clever creatures; they hide in plain sight, disguised like a demonic chameleon. A "wolf in sock clothing", they strike where a sock is most vulnerable; in the dryer. The Murdock Empire employs these terrors to keep a population in a state of constant consumption, buying new socks, fueling the machines of war, growing the empire; bigger, stronger, more prepared to strike!

In a world of virtue, respect is given to the most sanctimonious times of a sock's life; the warm period of rest when the dryer has just finished. Garments do not live in fear, in a land governed by free men. When socks match, people have a higher potential to do amazing things. In the land of matching socks there are white picket fences and strong gin; beings living happy and free from the bounds of constantly having to restock their consumer goods. Never worried of reaching a drawer with one navy blue sock and one black sock, we brave men and women must defend all that humanity means to be, and crush the sock menace!

It has come to it; the world of darkness must be destroyed. Should you see a Sock Goblin, don't hesitate, you know what to do! Sock Goblins could swallow any garment you love in a second!

terroriec